Happy New Year!

I love me some friend time

I had a lovely day with Jessica, though it was besmirched by my very mean neighbors, a spider, and soul-crushing episodes of normally happy TV shows. I'd normally write more after a day like this, but I'm catching up on Glee.

Incomplete

Jessica's random, half-awake badgering of how my ability to find all the things in Lego Harry Potter is incomplete kind of makes me think of the nature of completion. We completed Ouran, which finished spectacularly. But, for me at least, Ouran is delightfully incomplete until I read all of the manga (which, if you asked me a year ago, I would not believe would be happening). We completed a very fun Thursday, but have not completed our time spent together, which will probably never be completed until death.

But... this whole situation with Andrew bugs me. I don't know what it is, but I was really looking forward to him coming tomorrow. The Andrew that I knew was this amazing kid with a great personality and passion. Then, he goes off to college and appears this different person, which happens with college. But then, when it seems that he still has the capacity to be that Andrew that we loved, and suddenly he drops contact. I feel... incomplete without him. He's the person who helped me, by way of Ashley, realize that I'd be just fine when figuring out that I was gay. He was the person who, back at Verot, I felt the closest friendship to with a guy. I thought of him as a brother, so, for him to just... ignore that... it leaves me feeling empty and incomplete.

I really hope he doesn't happen to be reading this blog. Or maybe I do. I don't know.

I am writing this at 11:56, promise!

Sorry, Tumblr was distracting me like a mofo.

So, we're public now, and I'm out to pretty much everybody. And everybody seems to be really happy about it, judging by the Likes and comments. Even Rachael Pardo, who I was concerned would get all religious, is happy. So, I'm happy with how it all went done, and finally have that shadow off of me.

It's been a good day.

And the Final One

Well, I've come out to Maureen. She's the last of our circle that I've come out to, face-to-face. It was terrifying, as always, but she reacted in the best way possible: not shocked, just said, "okay," and then we carried on with our conversation. She told me she was surprised, but that it's not a problem at all. She's really happy for me, and that I have Jesse. We then spent the rest of the time just talking like we always do, which we haven't gotten to do in a while. It was lovely.

Now this just leaves Facebook. I'll be making my relationship with Jesse public, which I'm happy about and also nervous. Maureen had a good point that pretty much everyone we know wouldn't care, and would really just be shocked instead of anything else. Still, doesn't mean I won't be nervous, which is natural. I just hope everything goes well with that.

Home Alone After Christmas

And now I have the house to myself. The new house. It's a little strange, but also very relieving. I feel like I'm finally in no-pressure relaxation mode, and it's quite lovely.

So, big day tomorrow: I come out to Maureen. I'm looking forward to it, and also not really. I expect her to be accepting, but I also still worry about what-ifs. She's the last one, and then I go public about myself and Jesse. All of Facebook will get a major shock, I'm guessing. I'm not expecting everyone to be very accepting. But, that pressure will be off, and I'll be glad about that.

Merry Christmas!

So today was Christmas.

It's been a strange sort of day. I explained on Tumblr that it felt like just any other day, because my mom and I spent a lot of the afternoon unpacking, we didn't have a big Christmas breakfast, and we didn't really... do anything particularly Christmasy. But, I finally got her to sit back in her chair under the tree and watch something while I read, as we do during Christmas. It was finally at that point that I started to feel Christmas. I think that was a major thing I was missing: just sitting down with her and relaxing by the tree.

As for presents, I got a CD drive (which I've needed for ages) from my dad, two $50 gift cards from my grandma, a $125 check from my grandpa, and a year-long subscription to Sirius XM from my mom. So, on the whole, I'm happy with what I got, as quality surpassed quantity this year.

Thankfully, my mom has agreed with me that this Christmas felt... lacking, in comparison to how our Christmases normally go. So, come April, when we have more money, we're having our official Christmas, with presents, music, a tree, and just everything we normally have.

The Doctor Who Christmas Special made me weep like a baby, by the way. I downloaded it since I don't have a DVR anymore. I shall watch it often as I wait for the new season next fall.

So, while this Christmas wasn't what I was expecting, it still ended on a high note.

Merry Christmas Eve!

I made a post on Tumblr earlier today saying that it didn't really feel like Christmas. My mom, after some discussion, agreed with me. But we went to dinner with my grandma and aunt, and it was a nice dinner. Afterwards, after getting a couple of gift cards, I sat in the chair by the tree and read. In the evening, reading a book, and a nice dinner, it finally started feeling like Christmas. Not Christmas as usual, but it started feeling something like Christmas.

It was nice. Merry Christmas!

The night before the night before Christmas

Been reading. Saw Bridesmaids and liked it. Laptop monitor is fucked. Stay tuned.

In which I spent most of the day unpacking

We're still in the process of unpacking. It's unfortunate, as it takes a great deal out of the day and makes it feel shorter than it really is.

Outside of that, not much happened. I reorganized the DVDs so that they fit my order of things, and I finished The Lion in Winter. It's just one of those plays that desperately makes me want to act again. I feel like, as I get older, I have a better grasp of plays and could better act out the roles I'd want than I did before.

In which I nap on the couch for the first time

I've never done that before. I've slept on the couch when my room was being painted, but I've never just been like, "Okay, I read some of my play, and I feel sleepy. Nap time!" It was lovely.

I got to read Act One of The Lion in Winter, a Christmas tradition. It is, as I remember, a great play. I was hoping reading it would make it feel more like Christmas, which it did a little... but I had the AC going and the sun was very bright, so that didn't work out as well as I'd hoped. Still, I got to read for the first time in months!

I've also set up the Wii in the madre's room, which means she'll see all the anime on Netflix, so no more sneaking around with that like it's my porn. I've also set up the Xbox and gotten the new dashboard, but this was only after freaking out about the AV cords which I thought got fucked up because the screen was black and white. However, two cords I had take out of the TV earlier had ripped out the colored bands which, after noticing, I fixed, and the Xbox is fine. Now I'm excited to play Lego Harry Potter with Jessica (and Ashley, if she wants) after using one of those free Gamefly deals that you see on TV. Should be a blast playing a game where you break things with Jessica, who I imagine will still be flailing and screaming over it.

I also got some things done around the house, but, now that mom is on winter break, we have to go back into "doing all the things" overdrive again. Alas, such is my life.

Jesse was given a pre-owned laptop by one of his guildmates. He torrented Windows 7 onto it, but, this has made him distracted throughout the day, so we haven't gotten to talk much. But, it's just one day.

By the way, I freak out too much from this trailer. Seriously, I'm worrying about having a heart attack induced by too much excitement and fanboying.

"I KNOW Jessica, and I TRUST her opinions."

Oh God, today was awesome. I missed hanging out with Ashley and Jessica so much, and it was so great to finally do it again in my new home. I loved being able to get hooked on Ouran again, flailing over every fangirl moment. I'm forever thankful Jessica introduced us to this show. It's the happiest television show ever.

It was also loads of fun just hanging out with these crazy kids. We always have such adventures, and today was no different. I think among the most memorable was Ashley's sleep talking, which is hilarious. It just makes me excited to eventually see tipsy Ashley. But I really needed to see these two today, because it's been really difficult recently, and I'm glad I got to relax for the first time in weeks.

So excited for tomorrow!

I'm so excited for Ashley and Jessica to come see the new home. It's going to be so pretty-looking and everything for when they arrive. And we can talk, and watch Ouran maybe, and it'll be so much fun aaaaahhh!!!

Today was a good day. I honestly didn't get LOTS done, but I did get some done, and I've been training Ben to be a good dog who releases outside. I've also rediscovered Arrested Development, which I forgot is this hysterical.

Unpacking

The house is coming together nicely. It looks so great, and we're training Ben to be more well-behaved. My room is looking fantastic, and the garage has enough space to park a car. At this point, I wish Ashley and Jessica could come over on Monday instead of Tuesday!

Not really, though. There's still boxes and bins to unload.

Everything Is Terrible is terrible

It was surreal, but nice, waking up in the new place. It kind of reminds me of a hotel, really. But, I'll get acquainted with it all soon enough. My room is now almost entirely set up the way I want it. I just need to hang up my clothes and other stuff, and I'll be set.

But, to the main event: Maureen's Ugly Christmas Sweater Party. Sweet Jesus, that was the craziest party I've ever been to... and not in the "party hard" way. It was legit crazy. It started normally enough. Well, as normal as we get. But then, Kaitlin put on the Everything Is Terrible X-Mas special... and it was like introducing absinthe to equation. I thought it was weird and ADD at first, but then, after we paused at the BOOM PREGNANT Mary sequence to go look at Christmas lights, it turned... bizarre and sexual. That seemed to be the theme for the rest of the night.

The pictures will be on Facebook soon.

The First Day

It's been a hell of a week.

On Monday I had my first final, Psych of Learning. As much as I hated that class, I'm pretty sure I got an A. I really, really hope so. Tuesday was our Developmental Psych presentation, which we nailed, so I'm sure I've got another A. Wednesday I spent the entire day in the library writing a paper, followed by my Anglo-Saxon and Medieval Lit final (which was tough, but I know I got an A in that class), and then the Research Methods class. Suffice it to say, it didn't go as well as I hoped, but I'm hoping for a B. I really, really hope for a B. There were so many details to the paper itself that, if I left stuff out, I don't know how badly it would hurt my grade. It was such a horrific class.

Then there was the packing this week, which I was productive with when I could take a break from finals. But today... oh, today. Today was rough. We spent 12 hours moving everything, with a break of about 45 minutes throughout. I talked on Tumblr about just how arduous it was, so I won't repeat myself.

But I'm comfortable in my room, Doctor Who on my television, and things feel right again.

Many things happened today

Books, Bed bath and beyond, people getting together (yay!), packing, moving, Jeff returning, and tomorrow is the big moving day. Plus, it's Jesse's birthday, and I'm so excited, despite having nothing planned. I love him so much, I'm so friggin' lucky.

It's Over

The semester is over. Stay tuned for insights on it tomorrow, after my books are returned.

Well... no Internet is a drag

But I hope to get all my end of the semester stuff done tomorrow so it can just be finished. I'm so sick of this never-ending semester.

The Long Week

It feels like it should be Friday already. This week is going horrifically slow, and it's only Monday!

Tomorrow is my presentation with Kimbler. I'll miss that big teddy bear of a professor, but I'm always happy to be done with a class. I just hope we don't fuck anything up.

Study Day

Brain cannot handle the studying... melting... bleh.

Today was friggin' exhausting

Moving totally sucks, guys. I feel like I did when I was taking PE that summer: all achey and tired and bleh. Moving heavy shit around, getting up and down, it's a real pain.

But the place is still beautiful, and we have most of the tree up. Just need to finish the ornaments.

How random!

What started as a day that would have me making a one hour detour to FGCU to study turned into 8-9 hours of hanging out with Jessica. It turned into an incredibly eventful, random day that totally reminded me of why we're friends. Talking about ALL the things!

Another day of packing

Got loads of stuff packed, meaning the house is almost done.

I spent the day moving

Nothing really happened.

Purge

This is the first time I've turned on my computer all day. From the moment I finished my breakfast until about 30 minutes ago, I've been working non-stop all sorting for the move, working on a group project at FGCU (where I saw Jessica in her Spongebob PJ glory), and then back to sorting. I threw out A LOT of stuff, and it felt good to do it. I was purging myself of the past so that I could embrace the new.

Old Wounds

I've actually had the time to work on packing up my room this evening. It's... uncomfortable. Not because I don't have enough room to work with, but because everything just brings up old memories. Everything is from a simpler time, before the summer of 2009, when everything fell apart. I tried on my class ring, and it's too small for me now. That's how I feel about a lot of my stuff: it doesn't fit anymore. That guy from before, he doesn't exist anymore. He was destroyed, and I'm what's left of him, plus some new things. I read through a journal entry I made the night my mom told me she was separating from my dad, and it was so passionate, and hurt. It reminded me that, behind the nostalgia goggles, high school was difficult, and our friends weren't always that great. It showed me the reality that I had idealized in comparison to what had laid in store for me.

I have a Harry Potter journal from ten years ago tucked away in a drawer. It's so old that it uses illustrations of scenes from the books, or artists' representations of items from the books, not even any pictures from the movies. My first entry was when I was ten, and behind the misspellings I saw how simple I was back then. I loved Jurassic Park, and that was the biggest thing to know about me. I didn't write in it again until I was 17, and it physically hurt to see just how soon it would be until this poor guy didn't exist anymore. Life was tough, but it was high school tough. He didn't know about actual life tough until the moment it would come at him and stab him in the heart.

I wrote a new entry, and, even though it ended optimistically, the process made me feel physically ill. I found pictures of my parents happy together, memories I had completely forgotten existed. There were old toys stashed away on purpose to keep my mom from telling me to sell or throw out, and they just reminded me of the hours I'd spend playing with them. There were too many memories.

Too many.

Yes, I have beaten you for all time. You shall never again arise from the ashes of your shame and humiliation.

I have finished my nightmare term paper for Research Methods. The thing that has robbed me of my sleep and joy is at an end. This time tomorrow, it will be sent in, and I shall finally be free of it.

In my short breaks today I watched a bit of Avatar: The Last Airbender, which is a terrific show. It's so good, that in a comments section I read with news about The Legend of Korra, there were only good things said about Avatar, calling it one of the best shows ever. In a comments section. Universal agreement. That says something.

That it is koala tea.

Jessica's face must be as red as my hair right now.

I don't know what happened to Saturday

It felt like a lot of stuff and nothing happened. Just one of those days.

Rugrats is on Netflix

I now remember why Rugrats was actually my favorite Nickelodeon show back in the 90's. I watched it so much that it must have literally blended in as a part of my childhood, so major memories aren't really existent with it. It's so cute, funny, and shockingly clever. Awesome.

We Have the House

I can't believe it. I'm ecstatic over this news. We have a house, and it's beautiful. Ahhhhh!!!

A Full Day

Today, I rightfully gave the finger to a driver for trying to kill me, after I had woken up past my alarm. I had to hustle to the library to print off a paper, then to class to review it. I told my Civic Engagement proff the whole business about the house, and he completely understood. Not long after I got my free AIDS test (just being responsible), then had to sit through my last Gogate lecture EVER, thank God. After her class, I had a highly entertaining late lunch at Jamba involving ghetto stories from my classmate, Marissa. Then there was a quiz with Busbee, and then I had to boogie over to the condo at Laguna Lakes.

What an absolutely GORGEOUS place this was. The neighborhood alone is breathtaking, but this condo is such a huge step up from where we live now. I only hope we get the lease approved, because then I'll be quite happy.

Floating On

Today was one for the record books.

I woke up to my mom telling me that I needed to go to Costco after class. An inconvenience, but I'd do it and come home and be done. The place was a nightmare, considering it's snowbird season now, so even rushing it took me 45 minutes to from the time I arrived to the time I left. I came home, had to do a flurry of things, then, as I settled down, my mom sent me a text saying dad was coming over and we were having a family meeting. This is another inconvenience, because I have an essay to write, and now I'm concerned that something big is happening.

My dad comes by early, and tells me that I'm apparently going to have to start paying my own car payments and find a job. This is highly irritating, because now it feels like, even though I've told my mom a thousand times I'm finding a job subbing next semester, she still can't put it together that I'm going to be employed.

Ten minutes later he tells me that we've been sent our foreclosure notice and we have to move by the 22nd.

I'm just... numb for the next few hours. Mom comes home, we have our meeting, but now it's exclusively about the foreclosure. We have places in mind, but we don't know for sure. I can't fathom how cruel the judge is to do this three days before Christmas. I don't understand at all, and I'm just so tired.

I've had a paper to write, and I just can't do it. A few more hours pass, my mom is talking to Jeff and my grandpa, then... she tells me to come in. There's a condo at Laguna Lakes just listed today, and it's very possible that we'll be living there. And suddenly, things are shaping up.

I had my head examined

Today I had to have sensors applied to my head and had my brain waves studied. My research methods class needs us to be participants in a couple of studies, and this one sounded both interesting and easy. Cue me having lucid hallucinations while in "zoned out relaxation mode" and not knowing how time is progressing. That wasn't so great, but I still didn't mind the whole thing.

Television Stop Making Me Depressed

Well the mid-season finale of The Walking Dead ended really depressingly. This is all Jessica's fault. From now on, when a show is depressing, Jessica is to blame.

I'm still in a post-FMA frenzy, so I troped the non-spoiler parts to death, and have remained pure. I have also found the manga online, and will read that eventually. Tonight, I shall settle down with some Ouran.

Goddamn it, Jessica. Look what you've done.

Fullmetal Heart

I'm so happy we finished Fullmetal today. It went from a show I was very skeptical about into a terrific piece of media. I'm also really glad we put a big chunk into Ouran, which is basically happiness in TV form. It's awesome.

Decking the Halls

Decorating for Christmas :-D I love doing that!

What am I thankful for?

I'm thankful for the family I've got. Not just by blood, but from the close bonds of friendship I've developed over time. I've gone through such life-changing stuff, and my friends have always been around for me. Back at Verot, in my younger years there, I never expected to have best friends until college, and even then, it would be new people. I'm so incredibly lucky to have such amazing best friends, people that are my family and I'll know forever.

I'm on Thanksgiving Break!

Fuck yes, at long last, I'm on Thanksgiving break! It's time for relaxation, food, and Christmas decorations! With filming done, I'm now free to do nothing, and I shall make good use of it.

Nearly There

I can just taste the break. So close.

Is it Wednesday yet?

I've got this behemoth paper to write that's due midnight tomorrow, and I would still rather film at Hope Clubhouse, and then come home to cut down shrubbery than write this thing. I'm so completely drained from writing paper marathons. They take all day and night, and I've already had several this semester. I think that's considered cruelty at some point.

I slept until noon today. I did not enjoy that. I've been out of whack ever since. Bleh.

On the plus side, I do not feel particularly ill today :-D

So this will be a disappointing 300th post

I'm just copy and pasting this from Tumblr because I feel horrendous.

I am in a distinctive "not giving a fuck" mood.
I took Sudafed earlier and that made my heartrate skyrocket, my nose has been bothering me all day, I’ve been reading and barely understanding eight different psych papers that I will have to write a literature review for, I found out we were supposed to film for my Civic Engagement class last Monday and we didn’t and it’s my fault, which means now we’re filming on Wednesday, and I just want it to hurry up and be Thanksgiving because I am fucking done.

Sorry for the vent.

Such a Great Day

I miss days like these. Fuck college.

The Play's the Thing

First off, this song is VERY different than what you expect. It's alternative hip-hop. But, I actually really liked it, and the song has a really deep meaning about not being loved and feeling used, so I thought that was a really nice change.

Anyway, I went to Verot's play tonight and had a great time. The cast did a really good job, and it was very surreal to see only Leanne and Sarah as the final two actors I know from our time at Verot. I really miss the atmosphere and acting, but not as much as I did after Godspell. I don't know why, but... I just don't. I do miss Ms. Day though, and the times we shared in the green room, or in the wings... I miss the good times from Bishop Verot. Those were some wonderful memories.

Seeing Jessica really perked my mood up, and I'm so excited to be at Ashley's again tomorrow.

Going to bed

I hope this illness parts ways with me soon. I miss normal things, like posting about nonsense and stuff.

Took some Nyquil and crashing

I'mma kill that bitch that got me ill. Kill her.

Herp.

Derp.

Monday, Monday, Monday

I had no civic engagement class so I got to stay home most of the day. Kind of productive. Came home after my other class: Tumblr.

This weekend did not go as planned

So, instead of doing all of my Psych of Learning paper this weekend... I played Skyrim. Sure, I went yesterday to work on it, and we did, but only for a little while, and then we got distracted by talking, and we didn't even type anything. Then today I went to the Holocaust Museum with the girl, Kaitlin, from yesterday, expecting to be there for about 20 minutes. We were there TWO HOURS. I mean, it was well-worth it, as it was very intense, but still. I was so drained afterwards all I wanted to do was come home and relax. And I did, with Skyrim, for several hours. I didn't even watch The Walking Dead tonight I was so caught up in the game.

In case you couldn't tell, the game is awesome. I'm so excited to show you guys.

I killed a dragon

It was awesome :-D

Making This Post Early

Because I imagine I'll be working past midnight with no chance to write an entry.

I volunteered at the Clubhouse for 2 hours, which went fine. I've got my 10 hours done there, thank God. I then quickly rushed over to Gamestop and bought Skyrim. Yeah, I gave in, and I regret nothing. Also, the people who work at Gamestop are actually really friendly, and they're gamers, which is great. I ran into that super blonde, pale kid that was friends with Julia for a while that we always seem to run into.

So now I'm home, about to embark on this mammoth paper that will probably end up killing me. So, if this is the end, know that I tolerated you all.

In which I could have had my dad buy me Skyrim but didn't

I figured that'd be taking advantage, and I didn't want that.

The next two weekends will be hellish. Tomorrow, after volunteering at Hope Clubhouse for two hours, I'll be spending the rest of my Friday writing the Experimental section of my paper for Research Methods. I've recently come to learn that my professor is the only one who assigns a paper for Research Methods, as all the other teachers for that class do not. Saturday and Sunday I'll be writing my criticism of a psych paper for Psych of Learning. I'll be teaming up with Kaitlin, which... she's awesome, but I just don't know if we work well as a group for studying.
Next weekend continues to suck, because I'll be writing Kimbler's paper, including looking up all of my sources.

I'm just ready for Christmas break. I NEED it. I also need Jesse here, and Skyrim.

This weekend will not be pleasant

Nope.

Body makes me tired

I hate Body. Stupid Body.

My body is an asshole

6:40:
Body: Hey, you're up 5 minutes before the alarm! Now you don't have to hear the beeping.
Me: Oh wow, thanks! That's convenient.
Body: *Stomach cramp* GO EAT.

11:30
Body: Hi, me again. EAT FOOD.

1:00
Body: I know you just had a soda but gosh you're tired.

2:00:
Body: I know you just had coffee but gosh you're tired. How about I make you feel like you got 1 hour of sleep?
Me: What? No BLERGH ZZZ.

3:00:
Body: You need to pee so badly! Too bad you'll be in class!

5:30:
Body: Welcome home EAT FOOD.

6:30:
Body: STOP EATING OR YOU'LL EXPLODE.

7:20: EAT FOOD.

10:00:
Body: Hey I'm gonna make you sleep now.
Me: Huh what no do-- zzzzz.

11:00
Body: Hey, what year is this?
Me: Ugh. *Stands*
Body: Charlie horse!
Me: AH!
Body: Don't fuck with me.

A whole new worldddddddd

I feel happy

It's been a while since I've felt really happy. I think it's because of Christmas. I just watched How the Grinch Stole Christmas, saw some Christmas commercials, and now I'm really, really excited :-D

I did some stuff around the house today, like taking down Halloween decorations. Now I'm watching The Wizard of Oz. It's a good night.

In which I read off countries, go to a hockey game, drive to Lehigh and back four times, and feel tired all day

But today was really awesome, so it was kind of worth it.

I did three hours of Hope Clubhouse today, then decided to come home. I got some relaxation time in, which helped my mood immensely. That and this wonderful weather.

I downloaded Ceremonials and enjoy it immensely. Definitely some great music.

This evening I went to a hockey game with my friend Kaitlin. I told her about Jesse, and now she wants to meet him, because she kind of looks like Hermione. We defeated the... red team 14 to nothing. I ended up feeling near frozen, even after dressing warmly, so now I'm all wrapped up in bed, desperately wanting cocoa. Maybe tomorrow.

Overall, this was an excellent day.

And on the third day, I beat Uncharted 3

What an incredibly awesome game. The plot, the characters, the dialogue, the gameplay, everything about it was magnificent. It's so awesome, I'm going to play it all again when I can!

Uncharted 3 is STILL AMAZING!

AND FULL OF HOLY SHIT MOMENTS! ALL OF THE HOLY SHIT MOMENTS!

Uncharted 3!!!!!

I love it so muuuuuch.

Happy Halloween!

I always loved Halloween. Not always the day, because that could either go positively or negatively, but the whole season. I love watching Halloween commercials, TV shows, and movies. I love the colors, the smells, the candy. I love seeing stores all decorated and selling costumes. It's just a great, happy time of year.

This past Halloween has been really great. The festivities parts, anyway. The movies, treats, everything went as I wanted it all to go. Over all, everything was awesome.

And now, we begin the Christmas season :-D

Jolly Sunday

I'm not really looking forward to tomorrow. This weekend has been lovely, and I just don't want to go back to school tomorrow, even if it isn't that bad. I know when I come back I have to write a short response paper, about a page, but I still just... just no. Basically, the only thing keeping me going this week is Uncharted 3 on Tuesday.

Today

Today was awesome. Saturdays tend to be that.

A Time to Breathe

Today, I got to do nothing for the first time in ages. I caught up on Community and Parks and Recreation, watched American Horror Story (disturbing as fuck), and watched the pilot for Once Upon a Time, which was really cute. Weirdly, there were parts of it that just gave me a huge, horrid burst of sadness.

The whole plot of the show is that fairy tale characters like Snow White, Prince Charming, Rumplestiltskin, and the rest, have been cursed by the evil queen from "Snow White" to living some place horrible, a terrible, awful place where there are no happy endings: real life. That just made me come close to shedding actual tears. I honestly couldn't figure out at the time, but I think I know why now.

I'm sure I've talked about how I thrust myself into fantasy worlds like Doctor Who, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, etc. because they are escapes from reality. That show kind of took that view from the stories we escape to: real life is horrible, and someplace we never want to deal with. I think that's true, especially now. Not so much that it's horrible, but... in comparison to fairy tales, life is just awful. Having gone through so much stress and worry as of late, I can agree with that assessment.

I read Storm of Swords, had a McRib (disappointing), and watched A Clockwork Orange, which was really good. Funny, for a movie that got so much flack in the 70's for being horribly disturbing (and it is unsettling at points), stuff like American Horror Story freak me out more.

I'm really excited to see Ashley and Jessica tomorrow. We haven't hung out here in a while, so it should be fun.

Also, I fucking love this song. Canada rules.

Words

Worddddsssss.

Blergh

Studying. Tomorrow afternoon will be an improvement.

Running on Empty

I'm running on 4 1/2 hours of sleep. I can feel it, too. Not really tired, but just zoned out and kind of woozy. So, here's this post tonight. I've got my Psych of Learning test tomorrow. This week is hell.

Fuck papers

That is all.

Productive and Less So

So today I set out to get pretty much all of my work done. Which I did, sort of. I left my Research Methods work to tomorrow, and I'm really not looking forward to it. It's so fucking complicated and rage-inducing. I just want to smack someone because of it... probably me. Ugh.

I have "Beowulf" pronunciation down, read my Romance, and have a tentative schedule for classes, which look better than this semester.

I don't know why, but today was just full of sex. Everywhere on Tumblr was something about sex, Jesse and I were talking about it, I saw Andrew had his first time with his boyfriend and apparently bottomed (yes, I can tell. No, I'm not surprised). It was just a very lusty Sunday.

Surprisingly good song, despite not being able to tell a single thing she says.

In which I want all of the Arkham games like nobody's business

At first, I'll admit, I didn't have much interest in the Arkham games. Now, I want them ALL SO BADLY. THEY ARE SO PRETTY AND AWESOME-LOOKING!!!!!

Today was a good day. I got a good sleep, took care of the post-party mess in the kitchen, got my hurr did, and went to Ashley's, all with amazing weather. I actually have some interest in Fullmetal now because of Major General Olivier Mira Armstrong, who I thought for a little while had the nickname "The Northern Wall of Briggs" because she was such a badass defender of the actual Northern Wall of Briggs. Pity we saw all of two minutes of her. Stupid haircut. But it looks lovely.

Following this was a delicious sub and then perusal of Ashley's PS3, followed by the de-mo (as it's pronounced, apparently) of Catherine, which was so frustrating and intense blaaargh. Also, Vincent is a douche.

Scary Movie Day

Huge success. I loved seeing everyone all dressed up, and getting to watch great scary movies (The Shining and Alien), AND having my scavenger work so well. Plus, I got to observe a 3rd grade gifted class and help them with their writing. The children loved me. It was awesome.

Hocus Pocus is hysterical

I forgot why I loved this movie so much as a child. Bette Midler is phenomenally hammy and it's brilliant. I think I might blame that movie for my way of trying to speak so... theatrically? Especially when I was younger.

I submitted a paper six seconds before the deadline

I am amazing.

Unfortunately I'm still doing work. But this weather is lovely.

Rainy Tuesday

Today was a weird mix of "bleh" and "good." Research Methods is rapidly proving to be a horrific class that is only second to Psych of Learning, which I am coming to find out that everyone despises. Which, after the first test, which I got a fucking D+ on, I fully understand. That grade is bullshit, by the way, as I know I got all the important details correct in her questions.

Developmental Psych wasn't so bad. I got my group organized, pretty much making it official that I'm the leader of them.

The rain has been lovely to chill out in bed during. The scary gusts I can live without, though.

I heard this song on the way home and I thought it evoked a really positive feeling. I think I'm pegging it as my autumn song, as it just has that sound and message to it. Jessica will most likely hate it, but I still think she should give it a listen.

A Successful Monday

My Monday went from horribad to awesome yesterday. The presentation I had been dreading was awesome, I got a 95 on my Anglo-Saxon and Medieval Lit midterm, and a big bag of candy. I'm go glad everything went so well.

Sunday, stupid Sunday

Dear Journal,

Irritation. That is what I feel for everything related to FGCU. I am surrounded by fools and poor schedules. They disgust me. Were it not for my meditation training personally with His Holiness, I would have thrown several people into alligator-infested lake. My blame can only fall upon one person: Jessica Cespedes, my nemesis. Her giantess-like height causes nothing but grief from her and her NURSING major. One day I'll destroy that whole major by myself, or my name isn't Tyler Watson.

Dear Journal

I am victorious. I have finally gotten my fedora for my outfit on Friday. It pains me to say this was done with the help of my nemesis, Jessica Cespedes, but I did not let her ruin my day, with her freakish tallness that required a mirror used for giants to see what stupid hat she was wearing.

But Journal, I have to say that today was a good day, overall.

Disorienting

That's what today was. I woke up twice last night before finally waking up at 7:15 this morning to go do my volunteer work at Hope Clubhouse. My partner could only stay until 12:30, which kind of sucked, because then I was on my own. The work wasn't too bad, just clerical stuff, and then inventory later. The members there were all nice enough, very talkative. A fight broke out ten minutes before the end of the day, but apparently that rarely ever happens.

By this point, 3:30, I had a really bad headache since I didn't have a chance to eat. So I got some food, came home and ate, then napped to try to get rid of this killer headache. It felt like my forehead was about to split open.

At 7 I woke up, ate some pretzels and Nutella, and then have just been sort of vegging ever since. I have so much going on and today has just been a really bad day to do any of it.

I'm going to be doing work tomorrow, but I need to see Jessica. Even if I only had two days of class this week, it felt like an eternity. I'm in desperate need of relaxation.

Also, this song is really good.

In which I actually couldn't remember what I did today for a moment

Whoa that was weird.

The house is mine since mom is in Chicago, again. There must always be a Watson in Kent Avenue, as they'd say in Game of Thrones.

I got verbally assaulted, basically, in my Developmental Psych class by this one bitch who never has free time in her schedule claiming that my schedule is "inflexible." Are you kidding me? Ugh. I hate people.

I spent two hours with my group for Anglo-Saxon and Medieval Lit. We have a presentation on Monday that takes up the entire class period. Joy.

Came home and watched a movie called Chinatown. It was straight-up like LA Noire, even with the downer ending.

I'm sure I've talked about this before, but what's with the obsession with downer endings in Hollywood? Seriously, I've watched a long string of films recently, all with downer endings, and especially cruel ones. I'd love to see an "Earn your happy ending" movie sometime soon. This is getting ridiculous.

This is a post

Just in time.

In which I spend 3 hours writing a study guide

Tired. Yawn. Goodnight.

In which my house is decorated for Halloween

But could always use MOAR.

Tomorrow, I meet with advising. Hopefully, they'll stick me in some good classes. I checked today, and pretty much everything is either over 2 hours long, or at 8 am/5 pm. What the hell happened to midday classes, FGCU?

Mean Girls is Terrific

I loved it. Yay :-D

Had a pretty good day. I went to Five Guys with the madre, and then I took out all of the Halloween decorations, which was sweaty, tiring work. Other than that, I got to read "A Storm of Swords," which was great to do again.

A good day over all.

Also, guys, seriously. Listen to this song. It's of vital importance that you do.

I have crazy friends

But I love them.

And my first day of fall break

Was spent doing homework. *Shakes fist at FGCU.*

Chris Colfer's voice is impossibly perfect. I will cry for you.

I don't even know why

This just randomly popped into my head. God knows why.

Odin's Day

In which my suspicions about pharmacology are confirmed.

I figured it was, but I just wanted to know. GIVE ME A BREAK.

I got some good news today in my developmental psych class. Last Thursday we took a very difficult test that many people did bad on. I thought I was one of them. Turns out I got an A, and much internal celebration ensued.

This week feels a bit like my calm before the storm. Last week was insane, but this week has been surprisingly calm, which has caused me to worry and fret that I'm missing important things. I hate that feeling. Thank God for fall break this weekend.

Monday, Monday

Doing homework

Boo. But at least I'm listening to Florence and the Machine.

Jessica is still here

What a creep.

In which I did clothing and relaxation

The title says it all. I did laundry and watched Netflix. Having the house to myself and being able to relax is just fantastic.

Hell Week Has Ended

I can already feel some of the burden off of my shoulders. It was so nice being able to come home and just relax after such a hard week. I watched a delightful film called "The Secret of Kell," which had some seriously gorgeous animation. I cooked food (yay!) and got to just unwind.

I was having a good evening, then homework noticed and said, "Lolno, can't have any of that."

Just spent the last two hours finding a survey on college student study habits. Dear Jesus, that was impossible.

Oh look, I'm too exhausted to care. That's new.

Today was better

I wouldn't say significantly better, but it doesn't feel as soul-crushing as yesterday. I only had my Civic Engagement class today, which was nice. I came home and got to relax a little bit before going back to studying. I've had Au Revoir Simone playing on Pandora, which has really had a nice calming effect.

I'm done

Do you see this video and hear this music? How it's pretty tranquil and hopeful, sort of like the sounds of a celebration of life?

This is the exact opposite of how I feel right now.

I've had a relatively shit day. I've got two tests this week, and I've been trying to fight myself to study, and the war is not going well. The material is convoluted and unpleasant, and I've gotten to the point where I can understand so little I just tune out completely. On top of this, I just got a really bad homework grade on one of my Research Methods assignments, and let me tell you, it feels really shitty. I haven't gotten a "bad" grade on any of my psych material ever.

It feels like a perfect storm of everything coming together to fuck me over. I have shadows lingering over my head day and night. It's getting to where I don't know how to cope. I think that's why I'm on Tumblr so much: it's where I go to vent and let my troubles wash away.

I want to go away somewhere. I want the TARDIS to show up in my backyard right now, have the Doctor extend his hand and tell me to come with him. It feels like this life I'm living isn't meant for me anymore. I need to go elsewhere.

Grilled Cheesus

Glee today made me cry like no other. I swear, all of my favorite shows this past month have been making me cry, with tears running down my face. Not to say I don't love that, but I haven't cried like that over a piece of visual media since I was little and saw The Green Mile. I'm glad I got to share that dignity-losing moment with Ashley and Jessica. They're always the best people to hang out with.

A Fine Day

Today I took a personal day, and it was sorely needed. I zoned out on Glee all day, vacuumed and cleaned the kitchen, jammed out on Rock Band 3 this morning. Then this evening I went out with a friend I hadn't seen in a year and had a really nice time. It was a really good day.

Hwaet!

I get to learn old English. Yay! And recite it. Also yay!

I took a test in Developmental that I don't think I did my best on. I wrote down so much for the first question, but I didn't get enough time to be thorough enough for the other two. On the bright side, I got a Publix sub to cheer me up, and saw all the Halloween stuff they have up now. I really can't wait for our scary movie night :-D

And now, the deep post

I don't want to do psychology anymore.

Yeah, I'm done with it.

I can't take the uncertainty of the future, and the tediousness that will come with it. My life now is filled with homework, which is to be expected, but it is constant and long. I have major semester projects in four of my classes, and a smaller one that will take up an entire class to present in October. I have had to look up surveys, find loopholes, figure out every single detail for every single possible psychological test. I've had to read at least one or two psychological papers every week, which are overly-complicated sounding, tedious, and very, very long. Grad school is nothing but those papers. The research component is unavoidable. My Psych of Learning, which I thought would be a wonderful, relatively easy class, is three hours of droning lecture by a professor I despise with all of my soul. The lectures are long, never-ceasing, extremely difficult to understand, and forever difficult to pay attention to. Today, I just gave up and daydreamed. I haven't done that... ever.

And this is my future. It will be like this forever. Papers, tests, experiments, that will last until after grad school. And then what?

I don't want to be a therapist anymore.

I've come to realize, and it hurts to say this and sounds incredibly selfish, I don't want to listen to people's problems. I don't care if I get paid, I know I will snap or go into a depression by the end. I don't know how to help people help themselves anymore. I don't know if I WANT to. I can't live with the responsibility of people's lives on my conscience. I can't treat people that could kill themselves, and live with that. It's too much pressure. I could fuck up someone's life. I could fuck up my own life.

And now, my plan is ruined. The plan I've had since freshman year. I'm so entirely lost right now and I don't know how I can deal with it. It's too late to change my major, and even if I did, I don't know what I could do. English is always there, but what good career can I have in that? I'll admit that money is a major concern in my career choice, but I've lived so long on the edge of having no money that I don't want my future to be like that. I want to provide for my family. I want a job, but my schedule is so fucking busy forever that I don't know how I can get one until after Christmas.

I keep thinking about how I retreat into the recesses of Tumblr or whatever, and I realize I procrastinate because I don't want to face my life right now. I want to go back to this summer, I want to know what to do with my life. I want to get away from here. I just want to take Jesse and move to Canada, and just be free of all of this garbage.

I want to be free.

Jessica, here is the lyrics to the video, since you can't totally see them:
All the lights go down as I crawl into the spaces
If I died on the screens
Life tearing at the seams

Way-yay-yay-yay-yay
I don't ever wanna be here
Like punching in a dream breathing life into the nightmare

If it falls apart I would surely wake it
Bright lights turn me clean
This is worse than it seems

Way-yay-yay-yay-yay
I don't ever wanna be here
Like punching in a dream breathing life into my nightmare

They'll get through
They'll get you
In the place that you feel it the most
When you're cornered
When it's forming
In the place that you wish was a ghost

Way-yay-yay-yay-yay
I don't ever wanna be here
Like punching in a dream breathing life into the nightmare
Way-yay-yay-yay-yay
I don't ever wanna be here
Like punching in a dream breathing life into my nightmare

Tuesdays

Well, it was a Tuesday. More to come.

Well, no deep post

But it is a Monday....

You know what?

I'm a little pissed I couldn't post what I wanted to this weekend. And that this weekend was so short. And that I can't just relax and socialize. And school. And I want more time again.

Doctor Who gives me creys

How many? ALL OF THEM.

Expect a deep post tomorrow

Yep, a deep one.

Thorsday

There is just too much work

I'm tired of work. Let's just be Death Eaters.

Oh this day

It was a pretty stressful day. I don't even want to think about it, so here's Beastie Boys.

O Monday

Thou art a heartless bitch.

Waking up was atrocious this morning. Civic Engagement featured delivered important information in a very insulting way by showing Penn and Teller's Bullshit program, which uncovers bullshit on all sorts of people and organizations. There's shit on Mother Teresa, Gandhi, and the Dalai Lama. I didn't like the way it was presented at all.

Lunch time with Danielle, and later Jessica, was interesting and a good time. Worlds of friendship collided, and I almost drank Jessica's soda. However, I am kind, and did not.

Anglo-Saxon and Medieval Lit was fascinating enough. The 20 minute Skyrim demo I came home to was even more fascinating, and I'm incredibly torn between buying that or Uncharted 3 first D-:

Over all, I guess it was a good day... but I want vacation back. Now.

Jessica, I think you can understand what they're singing here.

Ten Years

Ten years. A decade. Half a lifetime ago, and I remember it all so vividly. I was sitting at the kidney table in my mom's classroom, and we had the Today show on. The bell to announce the day was starting had rung, and I was going to get ready to go when the news announced that a plane had hit the first tower. They were quickly saying how it was an accident or, possibly, a terrorist attack. Freshly turned eleven, I didn't think it was possible for the United States to get attacked. We were an impenetrable fortress of peace and power, how could anyone attack us? So I remember thinking, until that second plane hit, that this was a horrific accident.

My fifth grade teacher, Mrs. Vigniss, was smart enough to leave the news on for us. We were ten and eleven, but we needed to see this. It was history. I was upset hearing that some teachers turned their televisions off to continue with the day. We would sit at our desks, or gather together in front of her on the floor to talk about it. There was no other activities that day. We watched, we talked, and we waited.

I didn't see the first tower come down, because we went to lunch. The school was letting students go early if their parents picked them up. Nobody was talking about Pokemon, or Harry Potter, or some sports that day. The roar that the cafeteria was usually filled with was dull and cold.

We came back to class in time to see the second tower fall. We heard about the Pentagon being attacked, and a plane crashing in Pennsylvania. I remember wondering how many more planes would crash. We all did.

Near the end of the day Mrs. Vigniss let us draw, use the computer, or talk amongst ourselves. I don't think everyone really understood the magnitude of what happened, judging by the number that went to the computer. People drew pictures of the event, and nothing else. We all talked. Even at eleven, I knew everything was going to change. But, like everyone else in the world, I didn't know what tomorrow would bring.

Ten years is a long time, but it doesn't feel that long. I think 9/11, the wars in the Middle East, politics, and the economy, have really left our generation with a sense of bitterness and apathy. 9/11 ended our sense of joy and innocence from the 1990's, and started our long, slow path to where we are today.

But, as always, hope endures. Children are born everyday. People get married or find love. Jokes are shared, good grades are won, and soldiers come home safe and sound to their families. Life goes on. And that's what happened on 9/12. We kept going. We are a resilient species. Even when times are darkest, we keep going.

This actually played on my drive home

I have nothing to say

So... yes. The National's album, High Violet, is incredible.

I'm Out

I told my parents today. I knew they wouldn't be upset or angry, but I was still just so terrified. I was at lunch with my dad, and we were heading back to his place when, after reading a wonderful birthday card he gave me, I just decided to tell him. He said he wasn't completely surprised, and that he was so proud of me. I told him about Jesse, and that I was very happy, and he said that was the best thing he could ever want for me.

That evening, before she went to bed, I told my mom. I prefaced by saying how much I loved her, and how much she loved me, and then just said it. She looked horrifyingly shocked, and that terrified me to my core. I didn't think she understood, and that our relationship as I knew it was over. She asked if I was sure, and I told her yes. And then... she said she loved me, and was happy that I was happy, and called me incredibly brave. Then she gave me a hug, and I knew everything would be okay.

I think those two were the most terrifying moments of my life. I've never been so vulnerable or scared. I'm blessed to have two amazing parents, because I know things could have gone worse.

I added lyrics to assist

I stayed up until 2:30 chatting with Tumblr folk. It was amazingly fun, but I'm so tired and bleh. But hey, I GOT INTO POTTERMORE :-D AND I'M A GRYFFINDOR! Which is all sorts of awesome.
Jessica, these are the lyrics:
And this is the house where I, I feel alone, feel alone now
And this is the house where I could be unknown, be alone now

So, the waves and I found a rolling tide
So, the waves and I found a rip ride

Everyday I'm Tumblrin'

Erryday.

The Birthday Weekend

I had an amazing birthday weekend. I really could not have asked for a better one. Rock Band, crazy dancing, drinking, cake, general madness. Such a wonderful time.

Pity I can't remember a lot of it.

Oh crap a post!

I'll post a better one tomorrow!!!

In which I am now one and twenty

I can't believe I'm 21. It was quite surreal being carded and then given alcohol legally. It was even stranger actually getting drunk. It wasn't the best experience of my life, but it was still fun. I definitely don't plan on making that a regular occurrence. I think I only just made it into the drunk range last night, anyway. I only had 1 and a half before my stomach kind of gave a little heave, then I knew to call it. I came home to spread my silliness upon the Internet last night, listened to Single Ladies, poorly tried to dance to it, then fell asleep.

I have a tradition where, on every birthday, I listen to music that will set the mood for the coming year. This and last year, my first song was Here Comes the Sun. It's about the end to bad times and the good that's coming. Last year, the song was very applicable. I had had a very difficult time, and the song was so hopeful, and promised that the year ahead would be awesome. I did have an awesome year. Listening to the song this morning lets me know that this year will be even better than the last. The worst is going away to make room for the best. I listened to Hey Jude afterwards, which makes me know that I will get through the difficult stuff and become better for it. Afterwards was Birthday, for obvious reasons, and then a song called Happy Go-Lucky Me, which is a really good description of myself.

This last year, the great stuff outweighed the bad. I've made such a close friendship that I can hardly begin to describe how much it means to me. I did great in school. I found someone to care for.

21 is going to be even better.

Birthday Eve

It's a bit of a broken record, but a day with Ashley and Jessica is a happy one indeed. Fullmetal became quite excellent (in my opinion, don't flip out, Jessica), showing Ashley Arthur, a field trip to Publix, Death Note, and, most shocking of all, I actually enjoyed Glee. Which now causes me a crisis. But Kurt is just so amazing and adnhkdhskhfkfh.

Good Lord, I just fanboyed. Look at my life, look at my choices.

Look forward to a whole birthday post tomorrow!

In which I can't buy drinks at a restaurant for the final time

Guys, my birthday is SATURDAY. Holy crap, I'll be 21. This is HUGE!

Jeff came over today. Well, last night. He gave my mom a Macbook Pro. Praying that she doesn't fuck up such an expensive computer. We went to dinner at Stonewood Grill, which was absurdly delicious. He is a really cool, funny guy, and I'm glad my mom is with him. Not just because of the money, but because she's really happy with him.

Class today was not particularly pleasant. My group for Developmental Psych service learning doesn't seem very workable. Shit like that makes me hate group work.

Otherwise, today was a good day :-)

Oh, and Jessica, this is classic rock-ish, not hipster.

Oh, new Blogger Interface

 Everything is so... in my face on here D-: Today felt like a long day, but not as long as last Wednesday. I'm so happy tomorrow is my last day, and then the four day birthday weekend! I'm so incredibly excited for Saturday, guys. Seriously. It's going to be awesome!

Oh hey, a post!

Saw Jessica, highlight of day. I loves me Tumblr.

Nonsensical Ramblings

'Twas a rainy Monday. I did not care for walking in the rain. However everything else was quite nice. Almost died in 5 o'clock traffic, whoo.

I am never going to like beer

I just tried Blue Moon, which has a citrus-y flavor, with two slices of orange in it, and still didn't like it. I am sorry, Scottish forefathers, I do not like beer. I liked haggis, maybe I'll like mead, but I do not like beer.

Guess who has two thumbs and spent six hours doing homework? This guy. Granted, it was two days worth of homework, but it's not a fun way to spend a Sunday. At least I'll be free tomorrow and Tuesday night.

Otherwise I had an okay day. Waking up this morning I had a passionate desire for it to be Halloween, but no such luck. I can't wait for cooler weather and Halloween season.

Creys and Laughs

I had another really great day, which is to be expected when I'm with Ashley and Jessica. It felt like it was still the summer, which was really wondrous, and a little sad at the same time.

We started off with Glee, which I did not hate, and actually enjoyed the humor a bit. But I really hate all the characters I've seen, and the music wasn't great. Still, the humor is enough to keep me wanting more, so I'll keep up with it.

And then came Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood. Oh dear God. So many things, feelings, and opinions on that show. I don't think I've ever been so disturbed by a television show in my entire life. Then there was the depression, and then funny stuff, and ugh... so many feelings. It's really really heavy. I still feel out of sorts from that horrible disturbing part.

We ate Chinese and had fun reminiscing, then Ashley and I had an amazing Doctor Who watching experience. Jessica did not share our fandom fervor, obviously. But still, it was a lovely time.

The Day of Rest

Today, aside from having to go to FGCU to get my replacement book, I just relaxed. I'm so incredibly excited to be with you guys tomorrow to watch Fullmetal Alchemist and Doctor Who, but most of all, just to hang out with you guys.

Also, Jessica, I think you'll be able to understand the words to this song.

And that's the week that was

At last, Thursday evening has come. My first week back in college has been, I think, a success. My professors, with one exception, are good to great. The classes, with the exception of one, are good to great. And my days, all of them, are really good to great. I'm so happy with the way this worked out, as it will make the semester much better.

Though I have to return briefly to FGCU tomorrow to buy a book, tomorrow will be the day I rest and recuperate. For though this was a great week, it was also a long one. Then Saturday shall be the magnificence of Fullmetal Alchemist marathon at Ashley's, followed by the season return of Doctor Who!

I'm an INFJ

I took that test a few years ago and am an INFJ. Granted, that might be different now. I tried to take the test but couldn't really put the effort into it due to feeling uber tired.

I had a pretty good, but long, day. In Civic Engagement I got to be a member of the fictional country of Minoria, who was suspicious of the people of Majoria, who offered help to us. We'd been burned before, so we didn't accept it easily. It was a fun class.

15 minutes later and I'm sitting in Psychology of Learning, which is nearly 3 hours long and painfully dull. Due to our professor, who is very smart, but really shitty at teaching. At least I got to see a lot of my old psych major friends in it.

I had to sit alone in Jamba without Jessica, but I got some time to read the paper and study for my Anglo-Saxon and Medieval Literature quiz. Maureen showed up near the end, so it was all good.

My Anglo-Saxon class might be the highlight of the semester. I absolutely love going to this class. It's so entertaining and interesting. Jessica, we learned about a Celtic queen named Boudica that you might be interested in. We divined runes today, which was also very cool.

Unfortunately, I then had to wait 20-30 minutes to get out of the parking garage, then drive in horrid traffic, only to come home and see my irritating grandma and aunt there. The last people I'd want to see, feeling as tired as I am. Thank Odin they left quickly.

My homework has been tedious reading this evening, which is never fun. Thankfully, tomorrow is my last day, and then my lovely Doctor Who weekend!

Color My Life with the Chaos of Trouble

I had a good day. Not as good as yesterday, but still good. I was able to get a spot in Garage number two, which I have decided to call the Garage of Death, due to reckless driving and tiny corridors. I made the Bataan Death March of FGCU to get to Holmes, and ran into a friend of mine there, who also happened to be taking my next class. My Research Methods professor cannot control the volume OF HIS VOICE, which is a bit distracting, but I got used to it. It seems a lot like Experimental Psych but, thank God, we don't actually have to do a psychological experiment. Really, we do everything but the experimenting part. So, we do all the things tied to it, but without the stress of conducting it... so better, I guess.

My friend and I got out 15 minutes early, so we even got to chill at Jamba Juice for a little while. We got to our class, Developmental Psych, in Sugden. Kimbler just gave off this very good vibe, so I'm happy with the class, even though there's a paper and 10 service learning hours. So, 20 this semester :-/

I really liked running into my classroom neighbor Jessica, who, though it sounds corny, does make my day happier just seeing her.

Came home, nearly had a heart attack from the horrendous lightning right above my house, and now here I am. Even though the week has been pleasant so far, it feels like it's been dragging on forever. It's just because it's the first week though, so the rest of the semester will fly by.

Oh, and if my professors could stop saying, "yeah, there's a paper to write, but we'll talk about that later" without saying how many pages the damn thing is, I would really appreciate it.

Everything Went Better Than Expected

Somehow, some way, my first day was not miserable, torturous, or unpleasant. I actually had a great day. I arrived and got a parking spot in the appropriate garage in a timely manner, socialized with some classmates, thought my civil engagement class was potentially interesting, then went to spend several hours with Danielle, who exists. I ate delicious Chick-fil-a, which I don't know how much longer I can enjoy, since I might be giving it up for its politics. I had a lovely time with her, which was only amplified when Jessica arrived. Despite having an alleged derp moment, we had an excellent time, and I hope Jessica and Danielle liked each other.

At 3:30 I had Anglo-Saxon and Medieval Literature, which was awesome. My professor is so cool, the subject is so fascinating to the point I got excited by the material, and I just know it'll be an awesome class. The guy read old and middle English, fluently, to us. So amazing.

I'm really happy my day went so well. Probably my best first day ever.

And so we come to it at last: the setting sun of summer

I've lived through 20 summers now, and this one was the greatest. Without a doubt in my mind. These past two summers have been absolutely miserable, which made this one all the better. I've done things I never expected to do. I drove to South Carolina twice and found someone I care about deeply. I saw my first concert. I went to Busch Gardens and rode every roller coaster. I watched anime and enjoyed it. I got Jessica to watch Doctor Who! I played DnD and really liked it! I sat and read books! I relaxed and became more comfortable with myself and my life. I got fucking high! I challenged everything I knew and had adventures. Honest to God adventures.

It's hard to think that tomorrow I'll be back in real life. I don't intend to dread or suffer through the semester. I mean to kick its ass like last time, get amazing grades, and totally succeed. I aim to enjoy every day, even the really stressful ones. I will find light in the darkness. I will not let anything bring me down. I will have an amazing semester.

In which Jessica FINALLY finishes all of Eleven's episodes

We did it. The major goal of our summer, to get Jessica to watch all of Eleven's episodes of Doctor Who, has been completed. It is very rewarding and fantastic that we could do it.

I had an extremely awesome day with her, teaching her what bears, cubs, and otters are, showing off my pizza-making technique, giving her the excellent Totoro shirt and ThinkGeek surprise shirt, and general shenanigans. I'm glad to have spent so much time with her and Ashley this summer, it's helped make it the best one ever.

Also, Ashley, this video is amazingly well-fitting for Avatar. Shockingly so.

Playing Fable III all the time forever

I know this is small potatoes... but I got a hairpiece in the game that I've been wanting for ages that doesn't make my character look derpy and I finally got it! #Personalvictory

And now, a haiku

Thursday was busy
I went to Costco today
It rained on me... shit.

Malaise

Today, as I've mentioned elsewhere (Tumblr) was a day where I just felt out-of-sorts. Jesse being gone and the last week of summer going by, I've just felt very down. I really hate this feeling. I don't want to go back next week.

My mood has picked up as the day ended, but, all the same, I'm not so happy-go-lucky as I have been all summer long. I wish I could time leap and experience this whole summer again. It's been the best one ever.

Jessica, you will hate this song. Not only is it about gingers, you'll hate sound.

Meh

'Twas a very meh day. I got my books, but I just don't want to go back. At all.

Awesome day

Was awesome.

Eh, what a day

I cleaned the freezer! Bleh. I did almost nothing else. Thank God I'm seeing you guys tomorrow.

200th post!

Wow, made it to 200 posts. Quite the feat, I'd say!

Well today was okay. I got to play new DLC for Fable III, which was quite nice. I played that for most of the day, then, when I finished, suddenly became overwhelmed with sadness when I realized that I wasn't going to be talking to Jesse. So I dove headfirst into the Internet and that's helped a bit. Knowing I'll see you guys on Monday is also really nice. I can't wait to watch more movies, we have such a blast.

In which I act like a motherfucking adult

This is almost literally how my day went. Woke up at 8 am, got ready for the day, left the house at 9:25 to go to the dermatologist. Tweeted about how fancy it was in there, waited for almost an hour, and saw her for two minutes. At least I got all of my questions taken care of.
Went to the fucking bank like a motherfucking adult. Deposited monies, got Maureen her birthday present, got Jessica her's, paid my fine, paid my credit card bill, got some Fable III DLC, and then chilled. Watched some Avatar, got a text from my mom saying to clean the refrigerator. It was gross, and unpleasant. Then I showered, and have been on the Internet ever since.
Also, this is for Jessica.

Rolling in the Mildly Deep

It suddenly occurred to me last night how little time is left in the summer :-( I've had the most amazing summer ever, and I blame it on you guys and Jesse. I've had some shitty summers recently, so it was so wonderful to finally have just an honest to God amazing, classic summer. I'll cherish these memories forever.

Today, nothing interesting happened

Oh, I watched Beauty and the Beast. I was pleased with how good it was.

In which I meet Jessica's friends right before they leave to go to college

I had an interesting day. As soon as I woke up this morning my dad calls me to tell me that he's ready to pick his moped up from getting repairs. This leads to me trying to half-ass my way through a conversation on automobiles with the lady at the store in my crappy CSI shirt with the giant hole that I've had since 7th grade. I figured I could just chill in my car, but no, I had to go in with dad looking like I just rolled out of bed. Which I did, but anyway.
Then there's a couple of hours where I listen to this song repeatedly, then get ready to go to Jessica's birthday linner at Iguana Mia's, where I haven't been since I was a small child. I had a lovely time there, seeing Austin for the second time, Sarah for the first, and learning that Jessica was punished with exercise if she got a math problem wrong. This made me lol.
Then as I drove home, this song played on the radio, which pretty much cemented me into a Beirut mood, and I've been listening to his albums on Grooveshark ever since. The Flying Club Cup and the Gulag Orkestar are such beautiful albums that put me in a French cafe in the fall and everything is so pretty and calm and emotional and I just have a lot of feelings okay ;_;

"The world is a mess and I just need to rule it."

This has not been a good month, world-wise. Famine, massacres, deaths, riots, economic woes... the world is kind of shitty right now. People keep saying pray for this and that. I think it's great that people are praying, but they should be out doing something too. At least getting the word out about stuff. Jesus didn't just pray, he did works. Every little act counts.
Somebody said that they lamented the state of things by saying the Doctor wasn't here to fix it. Well, part of the reason why I love Doctor Who is because the Doctor is such a good role model for the best humanity can be. Don't just wallow in misery, try to make people laugh, or help them when they're in need. It's what he'd do.

Had a Lovely day with Maureen

:-D

Deathly Hallows pt. 2 still causes creys

But it was good seeing a Harry Potter film with my mom, like I did when I was eleven. #Bookends

My power and AC are back!

Just in time for me to say that I had an excellent, silly day with Jessica :-) From Kenan and Kel, to Doctor Who, to a zombie chase, and Fable III glitchfest, much frivolity was had.

That awkward moment when you don't know what to talk about....

New Twitter is not terrible.

I can do an actual Irish accent now

Been watching a UK show called The IT Crowd all day. One of the characters is Irish, and now I can probably pull it off.

I wanted to play Fable III today but knew I'd get bored without new DLC, so I didn't.

I made hot dogs with Hebrew Nationals. They were delicious.

My loony grandma and aunt are coming over tomorrow afternoon and I cannot avoid it.

My allergies have been waging war on me all day.

One of the characters in The IT Crowd has a deep, husky, hammy voice that I would have sex with immediately. The voice, that is.

YouTube has just fucked up more of their sections, this time the favorites.

And that's the news of the day.

Hey Let's Go!

Had such a stupendous day with Ashley and Jessica watching My Neighbor Totoro, Kiki's Delivery Service (in which I still believe Ursula is just Mae), The Black Cauldron, The Hunchback of Notre Dame (in which Frolo is crazy and evil), and Hercules (in which I think of Jesse whenever the muses start singing). This was all followed by spending about an hour in Jessica's car and talking over a multitude of things. Overall, and extremely excellent day.

#FirstWorldProblems

I can't believe I'm sore from cleaning a car. Granted, I was washing and waxing for about four or five hours, but I'm just feeling dead. And now I have to stay up late for Pottermore. I'm not looking forward to staying up that late. I might nap until 4 am, but I feel like I might just ignore the alarm and sleep longer.

Shark Week O-Ah-Ah

It's Shark Week, the best week in the year, aside from spring break. Watching these educational shows makes me miss old school Discovery Channel, when it was almost all programs like these, not "X Road Truckers" or shows about fishing. It just reminds me, when I think back to the old days, how we have been dumbed down into needing reality entertainment shows instead of shows meant to make us more knowledgeable.

The day was pretty good, if uneventful. I saw Rango which was enjoyable if very weird. My mom goes back to work tomorrow, and I've got to clean the exterior of my grandma's car. I'm not looking forward to either of these things. Her going back means I'M going back soon, which is never good. At least Totoro Tuesday is almost here.

Silver Linings

I've had a pretty good day today. Went to Cracker Barrel, and, even though my meal wasn't that great, I still had a nice time. Went to the library, and even though I couldn't get The Princess Bride, I did get True Grit and John Hodgman's Areas of My Expertise, which is proving to be quite amusing so far. I couldn't get into Pottermore today (no one could), but I did get plenty of time to read and listen to Wye Oak. Also, listen to that song, as it's brilliant. I posted it on the Tumblr today, and I can't stop listening. Also, the lead singer's intro is hilarious in its dryness.

Oh, and I've already told Jessica, but no Harry Potter World for my 21st. HOWEVER, if you guys would be interested, there's a chance we can go November 11-13th, or round about then. There's a Harry Potter fest at HPW at that time, so we might be able to go and celebrate that. Plus, it'll be cooler out, which means we might see the staff dressed in robes :-D

Which reminds me, my mom's boyfriend (?) is coming the weekend of my birthday... I don't know why, aside from the fact that my mom enjoys me not being completely comfortable in my home.

Silence Fell

I have such a great time when Jessica and/or Ashley come over. Or when I spend any amount of time with them. I haven't had this much fun since Jesse left, so it was great to end this two week drought. It was also awesome FINALLY finishing series 5 of Doctor Who with Jessica, followed by showing her the Christmas special and the first two episodes of series 6. I was especially thrilled when she became terrified of the Silence, who are genuinely scary. Hell, I still get freaked out when I see them. Overall this was an extremely epic day of epicness, and I can't wait for Totoro Tuesday.

A bit of this and a bit of that

I keep worrying about my future all of a sudden. Fuck the passage of time, I want eternal summer. I haven't worried at all since leaving FGCU in April, and now I'm suddenly being assaulted by it again. It's just so... unknown. And difficult. And yeah, scary. I even have ideas in place about what to do, but, even so, it's the future, and the future is impossible to plan for fully.

I cleaned the inside of my grandma's car today. When she's focused on something, she's actually okay to be around, so it wasn't the worst experience. Plus she had a couple fans going, so it wasn't impossibly hot either. I'm so excited to see Ashley and Jessica tomorrow. I've missed them like crazy.

Our Song

I haven't played this for Jesse yet, just because he hates this kind of music (go figure) but I like to think of this as our unofficial song.

Felt sentimental, thought I'd post it for you guys :-)

On the Road

Watching Top Gear makes me realize how miserable I'd be if I had to drive as much as these folks. Shitty cars, middle of nowhere places, and driving all day for days on end. I couldn't handle 10 hours up and 10 hours back. It's just... nuts.

There and Back Again

Yay I'm back! Oh that was a great week. I'd call that one of the best weeks of my life. There was so much magnificence and happiness and brilliance and awesomeness and wonderfulness and mbdkfshadjla... I miss him already. I miss you guys a lot, too. I demand we hang out again soon.
Also, this song kept playing on the radio. And I actually liked it... which is weird.

After driving for 40 hours this past week, is it okay if I never drive again?

Please?

Well this sucks

I'm coming home tomorrow. There's few things harder than experiencing pure happiness for so little time and then having it taken away. This was one of the greatest weeks of my life. I'm so glad I did this... but I miss him dearly.

We played the blind Bertie Botts' challenge

I got fish. It was horrible.

I really do miss you guys

Seriously!

I totally miss you guys

Just saying.

Hey Guys

These don't need to be of substance, right? :-p

So....

I actually really like Avatar: The Last Airbender. Thanks Jesse.

Y'all know what's up

So here's a song! Yay!

If you're also reading this

Then I'm coming home :-)

If you're reading this

Then I'm on the road right now. Wish me luck!

"I'm Not Going Home... Not Really"

And so it ends tonight. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part Two releases at 12:01, and when the credits roll, our childhoods come to an end.

I was in the third grade when I was first exposed to Harry Potter. My dad bought the first three books for my mom to use in her classroom, which she never did. My teacher, Ms. Priebe, decided to read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone to us, and made it a daily routine. At the same time, she assigned us a book report on a mystery story. Enjoying Sorcerer's Stone (though admittedly not getting it all, since I was so young), I decided to read Chamber of Secrets concurrently. I wouldn't say I was particularly spoiled or confused, reading the second book before finishing the first, but I knew from my fellow students that the second book had more of a mystery than the first, so I read it. I came to really enjoy the series, but I wouldn't say I loved it.

Fast forward a few years and Goblet of Fire was released. This, you might remember, was when we had the big boom in Harry Potter love. I was quite swept up in that wave. I remember getting GoF for Christmas, reading the first few chapters, and giving up, not understanding it at all. I guess somewhere along the line I read the third book after having read the first two a few times, and eventually went back and read GoF.
My first memory of Harry Potter as a fan was pulling into Toys R Us with my grandma, me reading the graveyard scene. I didn't even want to go into the store, I was so enthralled. I finished reading it on the way home with my parents, and had my first case of post-Potter depression.

In the years between GoF and Order of the Phoenix, I read and re-read the first four books and became more and more engrossed into the series. I got some of the memorabilia that was marketed as from the books, not the films. I even had a Clue-style boardgame, which I remember bringing to our beach condo. I was sitting in our old van with it on my lap, supporting Prisoner of Azkaban, which I was re-reading intently.

I flipped out when I heard about Harry Potter coming to film. I found out in a Lego magazine, which had just the owl carrying the letter teaser. I raced online and found out, yes, Sorcerer's Stone was being made into a movie. I remember watching the trailer on the computer, practically throwing a tantrum when that crappy old technology refused to properly load a video.

My mom, grandma, and I went to the first showing of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone at Bell Tower the day of its release. I had skipped school that day just to see it. Decked out in a Hogwarts cap, Hogwarts jean jacket, and Nimbus 2000 green t-shirt, I sat and watched as everything I had imagined came to life before me. I must have seen it four times in theaters. I was eleven years old, Harry's age. Getting my ticket was like getting my acceptance letter, and seeing Hogwarts before me was like going to the school. It was... well, magic.

Order of the Phoenix was sent to me in the mail, I get Half-Blood Prince at a Walmart at midnight, and I got Deathly Hallows at the midnight release at Barnes and Noble. I saw Chamber of Secrets on a rainy November day, Prisoner of Azkaban on a warm summer evening (which was my first date, by the by), Goblet of Fire on another rainy November day, Order of the Phoenix on a hot July day with Gaby, Half-Blood Prince with Ashley and Kristine Zadrovitz, and Deathly Hallows Part One with Jessica, Ricky, Travis, and Ashly, and, finally Deathly Hallows Part Two with Ashley and Jessica tonight. All of them at Bell Tower. I started my journey to Hogwarts on film there, and I'll end it there.

I know I'm rambling at this point, but I need to add my opinion on the end. This is the end of an era. We've grown up with Harry in our books and on film, and in a way, we're saying goodbye to him. We'll never have another midnight release, or a trailer to look forward to. We'll never again have that joy of seeing what we imagined first being played out before us. But you know what... it's not really the end. We're not putting Harry away, we're not taking the Hogwarts Express back to the muggle world for the last time. We still have the books to read, the movies to watch. We still have the memories and friends we made through this wonderful series, and we still have that feeling of joy and wonderment whenever we read about or watch the Boy Who Lived. Just because we're growing up doesn't mean we're leaving our childhood behind. We've always got Harry Potter, we've always got Hogwarts, and we always have our home on film or page.
I leave you with this little segment of dialogue and song from A Very Potter Sequel and Musical.
HERMIONE: Harry, can you believe that we only get 7 years at Hogwarts?
HARRY: Yeah, but that’s what makes it so special. Sure, we have to go back home for the summer, but imagine how totally awesome going back’s gonna be. Till then, I got to go back to the Muggle world. They’re going to try to tell me this was’t real and none of this happened, but you know what? It was real. It did happen. We spent time here, we made friends here; it’s a part of us. Hogwarts is bigger than any of us…it’s bigger than any of its founders, and it’s going to be around long after we’re gone. Maybe we’ll see our kids come here one day. That’s the thing about Hogwarts: No matter how long you’re away from it, there’s always a way back.
Back to wizards and witches, and magical beasts
To goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts
It's all that I love, and all that I need.
At HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS,
Back to spells and enchantments, potions and friends
To Gryffindors!
Hufflepuffs!
Ravenclaws!
Slytherins!
Back to the place where our story begins
It’s Hogwarts, Hogwarts!

Oh God it's tomorrow

Tomorrow my childhood ends. Shit.

Rambling about synths and nostalgia

There's something about the synths at the beginning of this song that make me nostalgic. They're very ethereal, and they remind me of the old fantasy cartoons I watched as a kid. The ones they made back in the early to mid 80s, with the cheap animation quality. They told dark stories but made them kid friendly, and they used synth music like this, because it was the 80s and everything used synth. I wish I could think of an example but I really can't. In fact it's a little difficult to explain now. The closest I can come to is The Black Cauldron but I don't think I saw it until a few years ago.
Anyway, it's one of those things that make me think back to fantasy in childhood, which helped form my love of fantasy in young adulthood to the present.

Freedom!

Today is my last day dog-sitting, thank God. These animals have been driving me insane. And now I'm getting my money, huzzah!
I swear there's been dementors around lately. The weather keeps becoming rainy, and everyone is horribly depressed about the end of Harry Potter. Can't say I blame them. At least I've got great music to make me feel better!

Days of Summer

FINALLY watched A Very Potter Sequel today. I love the chick that plays Draco and the guy that plays Snape. Someone actually made a good point in one of the comments that we kind of root for the bad guys more than the good ones in the show, which I'd say is accurate :-p
My desire to do some acting this summer kind of waned from the beginning. We've done so much so far, and I am really happy about that. But if we feel like acting something out, we'll do it.

Been Watching Harry Potter All Day

I never really thought I'd do that since I was 12, but here I went and just watched them all. Well, to GoF anyway. And you know what? They're still really good.
There's a big Harry Potter post coming on Thursday. Look forward to it.

Oh a deep post

I really want you guys to give this song a listen. It's got that epic quality that I adore in my music. It sounds like the music that plays at the end of a movie, where the hero had to overcome a lot and finally gets the girl.
Life really does play out like a movie sometimes. We're each the star of our own story, and we do face challenges that could win any award. Even the most boring day is something special.
This sounds like a strange place to get a quote from, but Bob Ross, the guy famous for painting on PBS with the afro and voice like velvet, once said that "we walk around everyday looking but without really seeing." I think there's something beautiful and inspirational in our everyday life, but sometimes it gets lost in our rush and stress. If we take a moment to actually see, we would feel much happier with life.

7/7

Oh my God Tumblr was depressing today. With the Harry Potter premiere, and seeing everyone saying such wonderful things, it really felt like the end. And then Jo herself shows up and says that Hogwarts will always be there to welcome us home, and I felt so emotional from just... reassurance, perhaps. It may seem like the end now, but we can always go back.

POST POST NOW

Oh quickly a post! Um, driving around for an hour in the rain isn't fun, eating pizza and playing Portal 2 is. THERE!

Now You're Thinking with Portals

I love having Ashley and Jessica over. We really have the best time. Our pizza and chat was great, followed by the fun and bafflement of the Uncharted 3 beta, in which we were trounced by upper level guys, but we certainly dominated in the rest of the matches. I blame our split screen. This was followed by the thrill of Portal 2, in which Jessica and I pwned as Atlas and P-Body. Playing the campaign was also such a thrill. I'm so glad we had this day together :-D

The Twilight Zone

I'm watching this episode of the Twilight Zone where a guy and his family are trying to escape their home from an impending nuclear holocaust. The guy tells his wife that this time tomorrow the end of everything they've ever known will come, and all the people they've ever met will be dead. It's eerie to imagine that you know the end times are coming, and that it's impossible to stop, so the only thing you can do is try to get your family and friends away. It's so eerie that it's really bone-chilling. I can't imagine having to be in that position. Everything that you're cozy with will be gone. All the teachers, students, and strangers we've ever encountered would be dead. The only thing that you can do is hope to escape with the people closest to you.

Happy Independence Day! :-D

A Title

Eh, I'm just filling this out. Sorry folks :-x

Posty Post

I have such a love/hate relationship with laziness. I love lounging around because that's what I feel like doing, but I hate when it causes me to procrastinate. Like right now, I should be up doing something, but I feel tired so I don't want to.

#Thatsit #Coolstoryself

IDGAF Day

Had a day of dog-watching, which was the calm before the epic storm of sushi Friday with Ashley and Jessica, in which the GPS trolls, we get caught in the rain, sushi is waited for, awkward stares made, and lulz were had :-D

Another Writing Excerpt!

This was a paragraph describing some scene from nature.
The sun dips behind the trees, her rays reaching out through the leaves, as though desperately trying to stay above the horizon. Trickling further and further down, she peeks behind the tattered gazebo, thrashed apart by birds and nature. In the sun’s death throes the sky lights up in a magnificent array of oranges and reds. The clouds drift lazily, unaware of the spectacle around them. At last she is swallowed below the horizon, and all color is drained to a dark blue, growing ever blacker as time goes on. It is a dance the orb will make each day until doomsday, a dance of life, a dance of death. When we are but bones and dust, she will dance, dance until the very end.

Words on a Page

Been dog-sitting all day, which has been thankfully really easy. Thank God, because if I was baby-sitting or something I think I would've wanted to shoot myself by now. Jessica came over and we watched Doctor Who, which was quite nice. Unfortunately, I've been kind of lacking in proper food today so when I go home I'm making something delicious.
Welp, that's it for today. Oh, and the dogs are adorable.

Making Bank

For the next eight days my mom will be in Granville, Ohio for her high school reunion. This means I'm going to be alone, yay! And, I've got a job dog-sitting my aunt's dogs for the next two weeks, which means making money! Even more yay!
I hate the idea of getting an actual job. Honestly, I hate the idea of being restrained by a schedule at all. I thrive on the freedom summer gives me. Wake when I want to, sleep when I want to, eat when I want to, randomly go out and do something if I want to. Having a job makes me restrained again, and don't even get me started on school. I just feel so much better, mentally and physically, when I am free.