In which I did clothing and relaxation

The title says it all. I did laundry and watched Netflix. Having the house to myself and being able to relax is just fantastic.

Hell Week Has Ended

I can already feel some of the burden off of my shoulders. It was so nice being able to come home and just relax after such a hard week. I watched a delightful film called "The Secret of Kell," which had some seriously gorgeous animation. I cooked food (yay!) and got to just unwind.

I was having a good evening, then homework noticed and said, "Lolno, can't have any of that."

Just spent the last two hours finding a survey on college student study habits. Dear Jesus, that was impossible.

Oh look, I'm too exhausted to care. That's new.

Today was better

I wouldn't say significantly better, but it doesn't feel as soul-crushing as yesterday. I only had my Civic Engagement class today, which was nice. I came home and got to relax a little bit before going back to studying. I've had Au Revoir Simone playing on Pandora, which has really had a nice calming effect.

I'm done

Do you see this video and hear this music? How it's pretty tranquil and hopeful, sort of like the sounds of a celebration of life?

This is the exact opposite of how I feel right now.

I've had a relatively shit day. I've got two tests this week, and I've been trying to fight myself to study, and the war is not going well. The material is convoluted and unpleasant, and I've gotten to the point where I can understand so little I just tune out completely. On top of this, I just got a really bad homework grade on one of my Research Methods assignments, and let me tell you, it feels really shitty. I haven't gotten a "bad" grade on any of my psych material ever.

It feels like a perfect storm of everything coming together to fuck me over. I have shadows lingering over my head day and night. It's getting to where I don't know how to cope. I think that's why I'm on Tumblr so much: it's where I go to vent and let my troubles wash away.

I want to go away somewhere. I want the TARDIS to show up in my backyard right now, have the Doctor extend his hand and tell me to come with him. It feels like this life I'm living isn't meant for me anymore. I need to go elsewhere.

Grilled Cheesus

Glee today made me cry like no other. I swear, all of my favorite shows this past month have been making me cry, with tears running down my face. Not to say I don't love that, but I haven't cried like that over a piece of visual media since I was little and saw The Green Mile. I'm glad I got to share that dignity-losing moment with Ashley and Jessica. They're always the best people to hang out with.

A Fine Day

Today I took a personal day, and it was sorely needed. I zoned out on Glee all day, vacuumed and cleaned the kitchen, jammed out on Rock Band 3 this morning. Then this evening I went out with a friend I hadn't seen in a year and had a really nice time. It was a really good day.

Hwaet!

I get to learn old English. Yay! And recite it. Also yay!

I took a test in Developmental that I don't think I did my best on. I wrote down so much for the first question, but I didn't get enough time to be thorough enough for the other two. On the bright side, I got a Publix sub to cheer me up, and saw all the Halloween stuff they have up now. I really can't wait for our scary movie night :-D

And now, the deep post

I don't want to do psychology anymore.

Yeah, I'm done with it.

I can't take the uncertainty of the future, and the tediousness that will come with it. My life now is filled with homework, which is to be expected, but it is constant and long. I have major semester projects in four of my classes, and a smaller one that will take up an entire class to present in October. I have had to look up surveys, find loopholes, figure out every single detail for every single possible psychological test. I've had to read at least one or two psychological papers every week, which are overly-complicated sounding, tedious, and very, very long. Grad school is nothing but those papers. The research component is unavoidable. My Psych of Learning, which I thought would be a wonderful, relatively easy class, is three hours of droning lecture by a professor I despise with all of my soul. The lectures are long, never-ceasing, extremely difficult to understand, and forever difficult to pay attention to. Today, I just gave up and daydreamed. I haven't done that... ever.

And this is my future. It will be like this forever. Papers, tests, experiments, that will last until after grad school. And then what?

I don't want to be a therapist anymore.

I've come to realize, and it hurts to say this and sounds incredibly selfish, I don't want to listen to people's problems. I don't care if I get paid, I know I will snap or go into a depression by the end. I don't know how to help people help themselves anymore. I don't know if I WANT to. I can't live with the responsibility of people's lives on my conscience. I can't treat people that could kill themselves, and live with that. It's too much pressure. I could fuck up someone's life. I could fuck up my own life.

And now, my plan is ruined. The plan I've had since freshman year. I'm so entirely lost right now and I don't know how I can deal with it. It's too late to change my major, and even if I did, I don't know what I could do. English is always there, but what good career can I have in that? I'll admit that money is a major concern in my career choice, but I've lived so long on the edge of having no money that I don't want my future to be like that. I want to provide for my family. I want a job, but my schedule is so fucking busy forever that I don't know how I can get one until after Christmas.

I keep thinking about how I retreat into the recesses of Tumblr or whatever, and I realize I procrastinate because I don't want to face my life right now. I want to go back to this summer, I want to know what to do with my life. I want to get away from here. I just want to take Jesse and move to Canada, and just be free of all of this garbage.

I want to be free.

Jessica, here is the lyrics to the video, since you can't totally see them:
All the lights go down as I crawl into the spaces
If I died on the screens
Life tearing at the seams

Way-yay-yay-yay-yay
I don't ever wanna be here
Like punching in a dream breathing life into the nightmare

If it falls apart I would surely wake it
Bright lights turn me clean
This is worse than it seems

Way-yay-yay-yay-yay
I don't ever wanna be here
Like punching in a dream breathing life into my nightmare

They'll get through
They'll get you
In the place that you feel it the most
When you're cornered
When it's forming
In the place that you wish was a ghost

Way-yay-yay-yay-yay
I don't ever wanna be here
Like punching in a dream breathing life into the nightmare
Way-yay-yay-yay-yay
I don't ever wanna be here
Like punching in a dream breathing life into my nightmare

Tuesdays

Well, it was a Tuesday. More to come.

Well, no deep post

But it is a Monday....

You know what?

I'm a little pissed I couldn't post what I wanted to this weekend. And that this weekend was so short. And that I can't just relax and socialize. And school. And I want more time again.

Doctor Who gives me creys

How many? ALL OF THEM.

Expect a deep post tomorrow

Yep, a deep one.

Thorsday

There is just too much work

I'm tired of work. Let's just be Death Eaters.

Oh this day

It was a pretty stressful day. I don't even want to think about it, so here's Beastie Boys.

O Monday

Thou art a heartless bitch.

Waking up was atrocious this morning. Civic Engagement featured delivered important information in a very insulting way by showing Penn and Teller's Bullshit program, which uncovers bullshit on all sorts of people and organizations. There's shit on Mother Teresa, Gandhi, and the Dalai Lama. I didn't like the way it was presented at all.

Lunch time with Danielle, and later Jessica, was interesting and a good time. Worlds of friendship collided, and I almost drank Jessica's soda. However, I am kind, and did not.

Anglo-Saxon and Medieval Lit was fascinating enough. The 20 minute Skyrim demo I came home to was even more fascinating, and I'm incredibly torn between buying that or Uncharted 3 first D-:

Over all, I guess it was a good day... but I want vacation back. Now.

Jessica, I think you can understand what they're singing here.

Ten Years

Ten years. A decade. Half a lifetime ago, and I remember it all so vividly. I was sitting at the kidney table in my mom's classroom, and we had the Today show on. The bell to announce the day was starting had rung, and I was going to get ready to go when the news announced that a plane had hit the first tower. They were quickly saying how it was an accident or, possibly, a terrorist attack. Freshly turned eleven, I didn't think it was possible for the United States to get attacked. We were an impenetrable fortress of peace and power, how could anyone attack us? So I remember thinking, until that second plane hit, that this was a horrific accident.

My fifth grade teacher, Mrs. Vigniss, was smart enough to leave the news on for us. We were ten and eleven, but we needed to see this. It was history. I was upset hearing that some teachers turned their televisions off to continue with the day. We would sit at our desks, or gather together in front of her on the floor to talk about it. There was no other activities that day. We watched, we talked, and we waited.

I didn't see the first tower come down, because we went to lunch. The school was letting students go early if their parents picked them up. Nobody was talking about Pokemon, or Harry Potter, or some sports that day. The roar that the cafeteria was usually filled with was dull and cold.

We came back to class in time to see the second tower fall. We heard about the Pentagon being attacked, and a plane crashing in Pennsylvania. I remember wondering how many more planes would crash. We all did.

Near the end of the day Mrs. Vigniss let us draw, use the computer, or talk amongst ourselves. I don't think everyone really understood the magnitude of what happened, judging by the number that went to the computer. People drew pictures of the event, and nothing else. We all talked. Even at eleven, I knew everything was going to change. But, like everyone else in the world, I didn't know what tomorrow would bring.

Ten years is a long time, but it doesn't feel that long. I think 9/11, the wars in the Middle East, politics, and the economy, have really left our generation with a sense of bitterness and apathy. 9/11 ended our sense of joy and innocence from the 1990's, and started our long, slow path to where we are today.

But, as always, hope endures. Children are born everyday. People get married or find love. Jokes are shared, good grades are won, and soldiers come home safe and sound to their families. Life goes on. And that's what happened on 9/12. We kept going. We are a resilient species. Even when times are darkest, we keep going.

This actually played on my drive home

I have nothing to say

So... yes. The National's album, High Violet, is incredible.

I'm Out

I told my parents today. I knew they wouldn't be upset or angry, but I was still just so terrified. I was at lunch with my dad, and we were heading back to his place when, after reading a wonderful birthday card he gave me, I just decided to tell him. He said he wasn't completely surprised, and that he was so proud of me. I told him about Jesse, and that I was very happy, and he said that was the best thing he could ever want for me.

That evening, before she went to bed, I told my mom. I prefaced by saying how much I loved her, and how much she loved me, and then just said it. She looked horrifyingly shocked, and that terrified me to my core. I didn't think she understood, and that our relationship as I knew it was over. She asked if I was sure, and I told her yes. And then... she said she loved me, and was happy that I was happy, and called me incredibly brave. Then she gave me a hug, and I knew everything would be okay.

I think those two were the most terrifying moments of my life. I've never been so vulnerable or scared. I'm blessed to have two amazing parents, because I know things could have gone worse.

I added lyrics to assist

I stayed up until 2:30 chatting with Tumblr folk. It was amazingly fun, but I'm so tired and bleh. But hey, I GOT INTO POTTERMORE :-D AND I'M A GRYFFINDOR! Which is all sorts of awesome.
Jessica, these are the lyrics:
And this is the house where I, I feel alone, feel alone now
And this is the house where I could be unknown, be alone now

So, the waves and I found a rolling tide
So, the waves and I found a rip ride

Everyday I'm Tumblrin'

Erryday.

The Birthday Weekend

I had an amazing birthday weekend. I really could not have asked for a better one. Rock Band, crazy dancing, drinking, cake, general madness. Such a wonderful time.

Pity I can't remember a lot of it.

Oh crap a post!

I'll post a better one tomorrow!!!

In which I am now one and twenty

I can't believe I'm 21. It was quite surreal being carded and then given alcohol legally. It was even stranger actually getting drunk. It wasn't the best experience of my life, but it was still fun. I definitely don't plan on making that a regular occurrence. I think I only just made it into the drunk range last night, anyway. I only had 1 and a half before my stomach kind of gave a little heave, then I knew to call it. I came home to spread my silliness upon the Internet last night, listened to Single Ladies, poorly tried to dance to it, then fell asleep.

I have a tradition where, on every birthday, I listen to music that will set the mood for the coming year. This and last year, my first song was Here Comes the Sun. It's about the end to bad times and the good that's coming. Last year, the song was very applicable. I had had a very difficult time, and the song was so hopeful, and promised that the year ahead would be awesome. I did have an awesome year. Listening to the song this morning lets me know that this year will be even better than the last. The worst is going away to make room for the best. I listened to Hey Jude afterwards, which makes me know that I will get through the difficult stuff and become better for it. Afterwards was Birthday, for obvious reasons, and then a song called Happy Go-Lucky Me, which is a really good description of myself.

This last year, the great stuff outweighed the bad. I've made such a close friendship that I can hardly begin to describe how much it means to me. I did great in school. I found someone to care for.

21 is going to be even better.

Birthday Eve

It's a bit of a broken record, but a day with Ashley and Jessica is a happy one indeed. Fullmetal became quite excellent (in my opinion, don't flip out, Jessica), showing Ashley Arthur, a field trip to Publix, Death Note, and, most shocking of all, I actually enjoyed Glee. Which now causes me a crisis. But Kurt is just so amazing and adnhkdhskhfkfh.

Good Lord, I just fanboyed. Look at my life, look at my choices.

Look forward to a whole birthday post tomorrow!

In which I can't buy drinks at a restaurant for the final time

Guys, my birthday is SATURDAY. Holy crap, I'll be 21. This is HUGE!

Jeff came over today. Well, last night. He gave my mom a Macbook Pro. Praying that she doesn't fuck up such an expensive computer. We went to dinner at Stonewood Grill, which was absurdly delicious. He is a really cool, funny guy, and I'm glad my mom is with him. Not just because of the money, but because she's really happy with him.

Class today was not particularly pleasant. My group for Developmental Psych service learning doesn't seem very workable. Shit like that makes me hate group work.

Otherwise, today was a good day :-)

Oh, and Jessica, this is classic rock-ish, not hipster.