Another Year Gone

New Year's has always depressed me. I've theorized it had to do with the end of the holiday season which I love so much, the return to school, or just the end of another part of my life. There's something about this year, however, that just depresses the hell out of me. 2011. It just sounds shitty. 2009 was a terrible, awful year, that tore me apart. 2010 rebuilt me, then tore me down again, and now, slowly, I'm being rebuilt. I don't think I can take another breakdown. When I hear all of the optimism about the new year, I think, "that's what you want, but it's not what you're going to get." Resolutions are like miracles. There's few, and they're small, and not everybody believes in them. I have my own resolutions for the year, but I don't know if they're going to work out. I will try, but I don't know if it will take.

Tomorrow, we begin the new year. When we started 2010, I thought it would be fantastic, a fresh start for a new decade. Reality does not think so, and will beat your ass for it. So, as we start 2011, I go forward with a sense of cautious optimism. I met many good people in 2010, I hope to meet more. I hope to do the things that I want, to enjoy the things that I have, to appreciate the ones I know. The future is uncertain and terrifying, but I hope that I will persevere. I hope that this year I won't be torn down, and I hope that I will love this year completely.

The Dog Days Are Over!

So I just finished my fall semester at FGCU! Thank God, the semester was horrible. Seriously, the schedule was terrible having so many huge things due within days of each other! And then the teachers, holy shit, I've never had so many bad ones. Assholes. Plus the classes were pretty dull.

The students were all good people though, and I made some more friends than I assumed I would at the start. It's amazing how well people bond when dealing with incompetence.

Speaking of incompetence, group projects in college are evil. In high school you see your partners everyday. In college, you can lose contact with a partner and then everybody is screwed. I'm just glad those projects are done. The air seems fresher, the food tastes better. I've had this monkey of projects on my back since mid-October. Finally, I can breath again.

As I was driving into my neighborhood after finishing my Experimental Psych nonsense, the last end-of-semester stuff I'd have to go to campus for, "Dog Days are Over" started playing on my Sirius. Sometimes, life's little things like that can make everything better.

Remember This

So I saw someone be cynical about Christmas recently and figured, as we move into the stress-induced mania that is finals week, I should go ahead and post this, as I did when I first began this blog.

Christmas is my favorite time of year. Not because it gets colder and we get presents, but because people let themselves relax and enjoy life and the people dear to them. It's the one time when we can forget our worries and take a moment to reflect on what we have, what we're thankful for, and what really matters. So here, I post an excerpt from Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol" that I feel perfectly sums up how I feel about this special holiday.
"But I am sure I have always thought of Christmas time, when it comes round-apart from the veneration due to its sacred name and origin, if anything belonging to it can be apart from that-as a good time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys. And therefore, uncle, though it has never put a scrap of gold or silver in my pocket, I believe that it has done me good, and will do me good; and I say God bless it!"
-"A Christmas Carol"

Survey Questions

Here's a very, very quick and easy survey that I need for one of my classes. It's extremely important, so I would very much appreciate it if you could take it.


What is your gender?
1 = Male
2 = Female
3 = Other/Prefer not to say

What is your age?
1 = 18-24
2 = 25-34
3 = 35+

A number of statements that people have used to describe themselves are given below. Read the statements below and indicate how you generally feel by placing the appropriate number next to each item.

1 = Almost Never
2 = Sometimes
3 = Often
4 = Almost Always

1. I have a fiery temper.
2. I fly off the handle.
3. I am a hotheaded person.
4. I feel irritated.
5. I feel angry.

Using the 5 point scale shown below, indicate how uncharacteristic or characteristic each of the following statements is in describing you after playing a violent video game, such as Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, or Grand Theft Auto IV. Place your rating in the box to the right of the statement.

1 = extremely uncharacteristic of me
2 = somewhat uncharacteristic of me
3 = neither uncharacteristic nor characteristic of me
4 = somewhat characteristic of me
5 = extremely characteristic of me

1. I flare up quickly but I get over it quickly.
2. I find myself disagreeing with people.
3. When frustrated, I let my irritation show.
4. I find myself more prone to using swear words.
5. I have trouble controlling my temper.

Using the 5 point scale shown below, indicate how uncharacteristic or characteristic each of the following statements is in describing you after playing a nonviolent video game, such as Wii Sports, The Sims, or Rock Band. Place your rating in the box to the right of the statement.

1 = extremely uncharacteristic of me
2 = somewhat uncharacteristic of me
3 = neither uncharacteristic nor characteristic of me
4 = somewhat characteristic of me
5 = extremely characteristic of me

1. I flare up quickly but I get over it quickly.
2. I find myself disagreeing with people.
3. When frustrated, I let my irritation show.
4. I find myself more prone to using swear words.
5. I have trouble controlling my temper.

I Think I'm Losing My Mind

So I am stressed. I haven't felt this level of stress since I took yearbook back at Verot. I have four projects due out of five of my classes. In two projects I'm the group leader, while the other two are solo. The first, an adaptation of a play we read in Intro to Theatre, is due Friday. I'm adapting "Antigone" to take place in Medieval France. I'm not very worried about this, mostly because it's a creative project and I love those, but it's not helping that it takes place when I need to find sources for my stats project. Plus, I have to assign roles in my Human Systems project, which is due on the last Monday before Thanksgiving break. One of my partners here hasn't shown up in two weeks. Right around that time my Experimental Psych project is due, which is the biggest issue. We have to arrange to borrow a room at FGCU, then we have to get, like, fourteen people to come in on a Friday to take part. Then we have to write a paper on it, plus create a poster board. Oh, and because one of my partners here has to go to New York for a family reunion, we have to present a week early.

Additionally, I'm paranoid about something FGCU-related that could totally screw me over. It's not something I wish to talk about, but I had to say it. The paranoia is eating me up inside. It's like at any moment everything could be ruined, and I would have no control over it. I feel helpless, terrified of the potential outcome. I've actually paced the room a few times. I can't stand it. I want the issue resolved, I want to stop worrying about it.

It had to be said.

Recursive

So I'm starting to worry I have ADD. Or ADHD. Whatever. Every time I mean to start studying, I can barely focus for 10 seconds before I switch to Twitter/Facebook/IGN/whatever. I didn't use to be like this. I used to be able to study for at least an hour without switching to some other activity. I'm tense and more prone to procrastination than ever before. I think it's starting to affect my grades.
Just this morning, I decided to get in two hours of solid studying before my Medieval Euro test. I had been set to study last night, just after Dexter, but decided to procrastinate because I was tired. Before that, I had been meaning to study in the afternoon, but held off because something interesting was on television, or I just didn't feel like doing it.
So I have my notes all out in front of me and I'm beginning to study, when I have this urge to go on Twitter. I do, just to appease myself briefly, then plan on studying the rest of the time. I read a page of notes, then go to Facebook. A bullet, IGN. It goes on and on, with time growing on the Internet, and shorter time focusing on my studies. I take my test without having read all of my notes/scanning the readings, and get an 82. At first, I'm thrilled! I got a B! But then I realize that I got a B in a history class. This should've been easy, a guaranteed A.
I check my grade on the essay we had to write. I got a 79. On an essay. I'm usually great at essays! What is wrong with me?
I think it has to do with stress. I have to push myself to get amazing grades so that I can get into grad school, and the stress from that makes me want to avoid it and focus on leisurely things. But if I do that, I won't get good grades, and the only way to get good grades is too study, but I don't want to study, because it's too stressful, and so on and so on.
I'm trapped in this recursive predicament, and I don't know what to do.

All the leaves are brown....

Well, almost.

So I decided to give the blog a fresh coat of paint for the fall. I know I'm jumping the gun, but I have a lot of things to look forward to coming up in the fall, so I just want to let some excitement out.

Also, I realize how sad it is that I'm excited about a small blog redesign. Don't present it to me.

So Begins the Second Decade....

So I am now twenty years old. I have to say, it feels great to be finally out of my teens. It feels like I've met a goal, even though I've just remembered to breathe and eat since 1990. I feel much more adult and mature now, like I could take on the world. I didn't really expect to feel this way. I expected to feel more nostalgic and old, like I did when I turned 18, but, instead I feel very alive. If you will forgive the cliche, look out world, because I'm coming!

I Am Gonna Make It Through This Year If It Kills Me

So I tried to look up images of Florida in the fall and this was as close as I could get. Last late fall/winter on my drive to FGCU, the Six Mile Cypress slough changed colors to a very autumn appearance. I thought this was cool until about February when it eventually looked like an irradiated wasteland of dead trees.

Anyway, I started school last Monday. Classes are hit and miss. The professors are either awesome or extremely old and dull. The people are cool or extremely quiet and bedecked in a Hollister billboard. I miss summer vacation. Now I have all of this schoolwork to do, and most of my friends have gone back to their own schools. It's depressing to think about, so I try not to. Instead, my brain has kind of switched into fall mode.

Every kid gets excited about the holiday season, which I consider to be Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. My birthday always kicked off this season, which featured cooler weather, holiday commercials, and just an unusual switch over from the regular to the festive. As I got older, these things became less interesting, but I still get excited about them, probably more than other people. It's around now when I get stoked for the change. It makes me feel inexplicably happy, which is always a nice thing to have. So when I look at my schedule for the fall, I just think, "well, you do have the season to look forward to."

Oh, and the title of this entry comes from a song from a band I just discovered called The Mountain Goats. I am not extremely desperate to make it through the year like that. Well, maybe a little.

Shameless

So I'm posting a THIRD time today! Final one, too, unless I get inspired.

Anyway, Ashley Murphy and I have created a blog all about the world of video games. Reviews, news, opinions, trailers, pretty much anything awesome about video games will be here. We just started it, so it's still in its formative stages, but we hope that it will get big and cool enough to get us passes to E3 and Comic-Con. So come visit us, spread the word, and enjoy!

http://oldsavebonus.blogspot.com/

Stake Through the Heart of Love

So is it bad that the best love song I've ever heard is sung by a Dracula puppet?

Time Capsules

So my mom and I spent the final half of July organizing our garage sales. This meant that we had to go through bin after bin, closet after closet, drawer after drawer, etc. finding things that we hadn't seen in at least a year to sell. For my mom, this meant selling a lot of clothes, decorations, furniture, whatever. For me, I had to sell DVDs, games, books, clothes, but, most of all, toys. In a previous post, I talked about having been an only child meant finding something to occupy my time. Most of these distractions were toys. I must have had 10, 11, 12 BIG bins of toys kept away in our shed. I had never wanted to give these up, hoping to someday give them to my son (I'm having a son, dammit. If I have a daughter I will get rid of her*). But unforeseen financial difficulties (stupid Great Recession) made that hope impractical. We were sitting on a gold mine, and I would have to give up the toys. As I began going through bins, I surprised myself with my lack unwillingness to part with my toys. And this is coming from the guy who shed a tear during Toy Story 3 and was put into a two-day depression after seeing it. A lot of the toys were made from cheap plastic, so they had an unpleasant consistency. Some were put into a pool, bathtub, or sink to play with, so they also had a weird smell. Almost all of them just felt gross because they were kept in a poorly ventilated shed for five + years.

I found many action figures scattered around, mostly Star Wars related. As I sorted through them, I started to feel nostalgic for more innocent days. I'd constantly recreate the duel between Luke and Vader from Empire Strikes Back, or Han Solo blasting away stormtroopers on the Death Star. Those memories would shrink away quickly when throwing a figure into the 50 cent pile, or the $1.00 pile if it was high quality.

The Lego bins were the worst. As I type this, I wish I could say that they were the worst because of all the memories associated with each piece. But no, it was because there were so many damned pieces! And reaching your hand deep into a pile of sharp plastic bits hurts! Sure, as I went through them, I found some vehicles or buildings still together, and would think back to building them, or great adventures I made up that to a child were greater than any epic tale. But, these thoughts were fleeting, and soon I had two bins of assorted Lego bricks. In my house is another pile of Lego minifigures and unopened sets that I'm selling online. As it turns out, there's a good market for these toys. Hell, I just sold a minifigure vampire for almost $20!

Reflecting on this, I realize that all of those feelings of nostalgia were secondary to the here and now. That I'm almost 20, and I have the future to look forward to. Adulthood entertainment and responsibilities are my focus now. The world is a big place, and now I can create my own adventures, without the need for action figures or Legos.

But despite all of this, I still have some Legos stashed away. Don't tell anybody. It's important to still have some childhood enjoyment.

*I kid of course. If I have a daughter I will care for her just as much as a son. Probably.

Man-Child

So this whole thing is why I can't be an adult.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html

Summer

So I have a love/hate relationship with July. On the one hand, July has Independence Day, THE summer holiday. It's sunny, hot, and filled with the images of beaches, barbecues, and fun. On the other hand, by the middle of the month, the back to school ads and commercials roll out. The images of kids jumping into the pool are replaced by pretend smiles on kids in new clothes standing by lockers, looking as excited as if they just won a puppy in a candy-eating contest. You know what I say to that?

Bullshit. Bull-oney. Horse apples. Horse hockey. Oh crap.

These ads love to remind us that our time of fun and relaxation is going to end sooner rather than later. We'll be back to the books in a blink of an eye, with memories of getting sunburned at the beach or riding roller coasters just a thing of the past. This irritation I have stems back to childhood. I never liked school, much like EVERY OTHER KID IN THE WORLD. It takes up our time. We meet lots of friends, but we also have all of that work to do. And having 3 months of break suddenly end is like a blast of cold water to the face. It sucks.

I thought this annoyance would end when I got to college. Nope. Don't get me wrong, college is awesome, and lots of the people you meet are rad. But still, having to go back to having a schedule and responsibilities like that blows. So when I see people say how excited they are to go back, I totally get that. I kind of feel that way too, but I just wish I had more time to bask in the freedom from responsibility that we call summer break.

Oops

So I apparently didn't update this little old blog throughout June. My bad. It's funny how busy you get when you're not doing anything at all. Also, there was the tail end of summer classes to grapple with, so you'll have to forgive me for that one. Anyway, this last month has been kind of surreal. Life has been throwing a lot of punches my way lately, but I don't know if it's because I've become more cynical or just developed a shield against constant awfulness, but it hasn't gotten me down as much as it should have. I've been what I could pretty much describe as content, which is an emotion that doesn't often come my way. Except when I think of Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Petty and spoiled as it sounds, I feel annoyed and jealous whenever I hear about someone going. I guess it's because I remember feeling so excited when I first heard one morning that they were building it at my favorite theme park. Up until it opened, it seemed that going the day it opened was a given, despite my family's financial difficulties. It seemed like a rude awakening when I found myself at home while the stars of the HP series were at the opening, which I had naively assumed I too would be at. It sounds so stupid writing this. But since when are emotions rational? Whenever I hear that someone is going, and how excited they are, and I'm stuck at home, it feels like I've been robbed. That it's just one addition to the troubles my family has gone through. How petty.

I've had the house to myself these past few days, and it's been very pleasant. Do I like it when my dad comes by to visit? Sure. But I really like having the opportunity to just take care of myself and not have to worry about anyone else. It's quiet here. But not that awkward, creepy silence you sometimes find in an empty house. It's a calming one, with the sound of a breeze or birds coming from the outside. I like this feeling. I wish I felt this way all the time.

Talent

So I may very well be late to the party on this, but I figured I'd post this video. This girl, Liz, sings a cover of The Funeral by one of my favorite bands, Band of Horses. She's got an incredible voice, and she picked the perfect song for her voice. Even if you aren't a fan of this type of music (coughAshleycough), go ahead and give it a watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E6NxjNyYq1s&playnext_from=TL&videos=WzrglXfl-Kk

In a Galaxy Far, Far Away....

So I decided to keep things light today over that heavy post from yesterday to just say Happy Star Wars Day! May the Fourth be with you!

Dream

So I had this dream last night. More like a nightmare, really. But it wasn't a "Freddy Krueger" type of dream. I was sitting in my Brit Lit classroom, wearing some old sweater I used to own, while it's really hot out. These two guys next to me start saying that there's something on me, but I can't find it. One of them says, "Seriously, you can't find it?!" Then the other one starts calling me a nerd for wearing the sweater, and then the whole class starts laughing loudly and hysterically. I'm trying to laugh it off, and find it impossible. I look around for someone to back me up, and see one of my closest friends, who's just staring. Then this person gets up and leaves, so I'm stuck in there. Then the dream kind of transitions into something different, but what I've just told you is the important part.

I figured that the heat from the outside is due to the unnaturally early summer weather we've gotten here. The sweater might be due to some self-conscious things, or as a metaphor for being excluded. My Brit Lit classroom and the whole nerd thing is most likely due to the fact that the friends I made in that class are HUGE nerds. One of them plays DnD, for God's sake. I don't consider myself a huge nerd. I like movies and TV, and I know a lot more about video games than the normal person, but I still socially interact with people and don't really consider movies etc. as a part of my identity, more like hobbies. But still, I really got along well with these people from Brit Lit and had a lot of fun with them.

However, the biggest problem with this dream was the friend. This person, who is going to stay anonymous, is one of my closest friends. So when I see anon stand up and leave, that was the worst part. The reason this was in the dream is because it's now summer. Like everyone else, I love this time of year. Finally, we have a break from all the work and can de-stress. But for me, there's also a negative side. I start to lose connections with people. People that I met or hung out with during school kind of drift away until August, or worse, drift away completely. My phone stops alerting me to text messages so often, or some days doesn't go off at all. Even in my closest circle of friends, friends that I would do absolutely anything for, I don't hear from them. A few times a month I'll get invited to a movie, but by no means is it a weekly thing where I go out with friends.

I feel like this is mostly my fault. Growing up as an only child, you have to occupy yourself. In doing so, I've kind of molded myself into a loner, a one man wolf pack if I dare allude to something. And so, I'm bad about communicating to people. Unless I know you really well, most of what I say comes out as word vomit. I don't initiate text messages very often, mostly because I don't know what to talk about. And so, I probably give off the impression that I'm the one forgetting people. And for that, I'm sorry. But then, I'm not getting text messages, or invitations somewhere, either. And that sucks. I hate to say this, but sometimes I feel like I'm an unsung type. I would do ANYTHING for one of my friends, if only I had the opportunity. At the worst, I feel like an after-thought. I know that's not true. I know that I have many friends, with a few that are really close, and I hope that I'm close to them, too. It's just a clusterfuck of self-esteem issues.

I'm sorry this turned into a fucking essay. I didn't mean it to, but I just felt like it had to be said. Please don't get offended, or think any less of me. Sometimes, you have to let the crazy out, before it breaks free on its own.

Stay classy.

The Titles They Are a-Changin'

So I was reading through some of my friends blogs, and saw that their blog titles were witty or deep. Meanwhile, mine was "I Find This Awesome." That's when I started to think about what this title means: things that are interesting or cool are what I'd put on my blog. Since I first started, I noticed that I had put up only two things that were interesting. So, I thought about a new title, something that encapsulates how my mind thinks, and how my personality works. I heard this song, "Adventures in Solitude" by The New Pornographers, and though the song doesn't really fit me, I felt the title was a good way to describe what I'm getting at. So here you go.

Unfortunately right before I posted this, I noticed that the URL is still under "I Find This Awesome." Oops.

Final Freshman Year

So I'm writing this on my first Sunday morning of summer break. The weather is already relentlessly humid, the cicadas are buzzing, and the sky is starting to lose that deep blue that comes with spring. I look back on my first year of college, and realize that it was mostly a blur. Spotty images: hanging out with Maureen in her dorm, standing in the hallway with Chris Ruskai waiting for World Religions, sitting at my table with my friends from Environmental, texting Maureen when I should've been listening to my Intermediate Algebra teacher who looks like Natalie from "Monk." Christmas break went all to fast, but the memories of Ashley's birthday and seeing "Invictus" with Gaby and Kim in the winter from hell were just the highlights. Then, I remember talking with friends before British Literature starts about old cartoons, books, movies, and video games. Lunch at Einstein's with Ashley, which jumped constantly between hilarious and deep, and were the highlights of the second semester.

I guess what I'm trying to say amidst these rambles is that college moves faster than a cheetah on cocaine. It's important to grab moments and hold them in your memory, because after this, things are going to change. Big time.

ScriptFrenzy

So there's this little thing in the world of the Internet called NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month, that happens every November. During it, people all over write a novel about anything they want, just for the sake of writing. Every April, the sister competition, Script Frenzy, occurs. Participants write a script for film, TV, theatre, or comics, that has to be 100 pages long. Being a masochist, I have chosen to engage in this headache. It's April 5th, and I'm still working on my outline, with a couple papers on the way to slow me down, so it's probably going to take a little longer than April to finish. What?! What a cheating douche! Well, I'm not a cheating douche, I just want to write, damn it. If anyone else wants to torture themselves creatively, I suggest you do it. It's a lot of fun, and lets you flex your creative muscles.

scriptfrenzy.org

Today's awesomeness:

Gaby Hernandez. Words cannot begin to describe how I feel about you. There truly are no words. Just thank you. Thank you for being in my life.

Last.FM

lastfm.com

Do yourself a favor, check it out.

To people like Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Pat Robertson, and anyone else who questions the moral choices of going to help people in Haiti

FUCK YOU