Wednesday, September 21, 2011
And now, the deep post
I don't want to do psychology anymore.
Yeah, I'm done with it.
I can't take the uncertainty of the future, and the tediousness that will come with it. My life now is filled with homework, which is to be expected, but it is constant and long. I have major semester projects in four of my classes, and a smaller one that will take up an entire class to present in October. I have had to look up surveys, find loopholes, figure out every single detail for every single possible psychological test. I've had to read at least one or two psychological papers every week, which are overly-complicated sounding, tedious, and very, very long. Grad school is nothing but those papers. The research component is unavoidable. My Psych of Learning, which I thought would be a wonderful, relatively easy class, is three hours of droning lecture by a professor I despise with all of my soul. The lectures are long, never-ceasing, extremely difficult to understand, and forever difficult to pay attention to. Today, I just gave up and daydreamed. I haven't done that... ever.
And this is my future. It will be like this forever. Papers, tests, experiments, that will last until after grad school. And then what?
I don't want to be a therapist anymore.
I've come to realize, and it hurts to say this and sounds incredibly selfish, I don't want to listen to people's problems. I don't care if I get paid, I know I will snap or go into a depression by the end. I don't know how to help people help themselves anymore. I don't know if I WANT to. I can't live with the responsibility of people's lives on my conscience. I can't treat people that could kill themselves, and live with that. It's too much pressure. I could fuck up someone's life. I could fuck up my own life.
And now, my plan is ruined. The plan I've had since freshman year. I'm so entirely lost right now and I don't know how I can deal with it. It's too late to change my major, and even if I did, I don't know what I could do. English is always there, but what good career can I have in that? I'll admit that money is a major concern in my career choice, but I've lived so long on the edge of having no money that I don't want my future to be like that. I want to provide for my family. I want a job, but my schedule is so fucking busy forever that I don't know how I can get one until after Christmas.
I keep thinking about how I retreat into the recesses of Tumblr or whatever, and I realize I procrastinate because I don't want to face my life right now. I want to go back to this summer, I want to know what to do with my life. I want to get away from here. I just want to take Jesse and move to Canada, and just be free of all of this garbage.
I want to be free.
Jessica, here is the lyrics to the video, since you can't totally see them:
All the lights go down as I crawl into the spaces
If I died on the screens
Life tearing at the seams
Way-yay-yay-yay-yay
I don't ever wanna be here
Like punching in a dream breathing life into the nightmare
If it falls apart I would surely wake it
Bright lights turn me clean
This is worse than it seems
Way-yay-yay-yay-yay
I don't ever wanna be here
Like punching in a dream breathing life into my nightmare
They'll get through
They'll get you
In the place that you feel it the most
When you're cornered
When it's forming
In the place that you wish was a ghost
Way-yay-yay-yay-yay
I don't ever wanna be here
Like punching in a dream breathing life into the nightmare
Way-yay-yay-yay-yay
I don't ever wanna be here
Like punching in a dream breathing life into my nightmare
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what I love about this is that I literally posted something incredibly similar on my own blog about my own feelings about Nursing. We are in the same boat, my friend, and it sucks. This song, however, doesn't, so that's a plus, I guess! I'm not sure what kind of advice to provide, but we can commiserate together and sometimes that's the best alternative for stress/anxiety. So any means you can possibly contact me is open for venting, except maybe for skype, because I look like a hot mess all the time now :P
ReplyDeleteI actually commented on that post, which gave me enough willpower to finally make this beast. And I usually look like a hot mess, so we'll be fine.
ReplyDeleteOh, and you like one of my songs. *Dies*
team hot mess!! I like some "hipster/indie/whatever genre this is" music :P
ReplyDeleteIn reference to what you said on my blog, (in case you don't read my return comment), I think you'll make a great therapist, just because you're eloquent as fuck and you know exactly what to say to make someone feel better. Albeit, I'm not that difficult to cheer up, but you actually want people to be happy and that effort alone makes a difference in someone's life. Not everyone is going to work out and we're all going to make mistakes - that's what these years of hell are for, to make sure we have the knowledge to prevent mistakes and to obtain the knowledge of how to correct mistakes.
A majority of people with problems, I think, just want someone to talk to, to vent to, because they don't have anyone that they're comfortable with. You make people feel comfortable, so I think you have what it takes. Prepare for a massive cliche, but I think you can be whatever you want to be!
Either way, you're going to be the minority, so you'll always get a job. Redheads are hard to come by :P
I did :-D
ReplyDeleteIt really means a lot to hear you say that. I think I'll vent about this to you in person, but I think there's just so much involved with being a legit therapist that it's just very overwhelming and difficult. It's different than just making someone feel better, it's changing them, which is, you know, no mean feat.
But like I said, we'll vent about that later.
I'm totally game for a venting session! Changing people does take a long time and then they have to be willing to change. I wish life could be as easy as it's romanticized.
ReplyDeleteI think the downward spiral of awfulness starts junior year. I already thought it was difficult last year.
ReplyDelete