Dream

So I had this dream last night. More like a nightmare, really. But it wasn't a "Freddy Krueger" type of dream. I was sitting in my Brit Lit classroom, wearing some old sweater I used to own, while it's really hot out. These two guys next to me start saying that there's something on me, but I can't find it. One of them says, "Seriously, you can't find it?!" Then the other one starts calling me a nerd for wearing the sweater, and then the whole class starts laughing loudly and hysterically. I'm trying to laugh it off, and find it impossible. I look around for someone to back me up, and see one of my closest friends, who's just staring. Then this person gets up and leaves, so I'm stuck in there. Then the dream kind of transitions into something different, but what I've just told you is the important part.

I figured that the heat from the outside is due to the unnaturally early summer weather we've gotten here. The sweater might be due to some self-conscious things, or as a metaphor for being excluded. My Brit Lit classroom and the whole nerd thing is most likely due to the fact that the friends I made in that class are HUGE nerds. One of them plays DnD, for God's sake. I don't consider myself a huge nerd. I like movies and TV, and I know a lot more about video games than the normal person, but I still socially interact with people and don't really consider movies etc. as a part of my identity, more like hobbies. But still, I really got along well with these people from Brit Lit and had a lot of fun with them.

However, the biggest problem with this dream was the friend. This person, who is going to stay anonymous, is one of my closest friends. So when I see anon stand up and leave, that was the worst part. The reason this was in the dream is because it's now summer. Like everyone else, I love this time of year. Finally, we have a break from all the work and can de-stress. But for me, there's also a negative side. I start to lose connections with people. People that I met or hung out with during school kind of drift away until August, or worse, drift away completely. My phone stops alerting me to text messages so often, or some days doesn't go off at all. Even in my closest circle of friends, friends that I would do absolutely anything for, I don't hear from them. A few times a month I'll get invited to a movie, but by no means is it a weekly thing where I go out with friends.

I feel like this is mostly my fault. Growing up as an only child, you have to occupy yourself. In doing so, I've kind of molded myself into a loner, a one man wolf pack if I dare allude to something. And so, I'm bad about communicating to people. Unless I know you really well, most of what I say comes out as word vomit. I don't initiate text messages very often, mostly because I don't know what to talk about. And so, I probably give off the impression that I'm the one forgetting people. And for that, I'm sorry. But then, I'm not getting text messages, or invitations somewhere, either. And that sucks. I hate to say this, but sometimes I feel like I'm an unsung type. I would do ANYTHING for one of my friends, if only I had the opportunity. At the worst, I feel like an after-thought. I know that's not true. I know that I have many friends, with a few that are really close, and I hope that I'm close to them, too. It's just a clusterfuck of self-esteem issues.

I'm sorry this turned into a fucking essay. I didn't mean it to, but I just felt like it had to be said. Please don't get offended, or think any less of me. Sometimes, you have to let the crazy out, before it breaks free on its own.

Stay classy.