Jessica's random, half-awake badgering of how my ability to find all the things in Lego Harry Potter is incomplete kind of makes me think of the nature of completion. We completed Ouran, which finished spectacularly. But, for me at least, Ouran is delightfully incomplete until I read all of the manga (which, if you asked me a year ago, I would not believe would be happening). We completed a very fun Thursday, but have not completed our time spent together, which will probably never be completed until death.
But... this whole situation with Andrew bugs me. I don't know what it is, but I was really looking forward to him coming tomorrow. The Andrew that I knew was this amazing kid with a great personality and passion. Then, he goes off to college and appears this different person, which happens with college. But then, when it seems that he still has the capacity to be that Andrew that we loved, and suddenly he drops contact. I feel... incomplete without him. He's the person who helped me, by way of Ashley, realize that I'd be just fine when figuring out that I was gay. He was the person who, back at Verot, I felt the closest friendship to with a guy. I thought of him as a brother, so, for him to just... ignore that... it leaves me feeling empty and incomplete.
I really hope he doesn't happen to be reading this blog. Or maybe I do. I don't know.
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that was quite literally a glimpse of the me that you might find if I was tipsy, because I get silly when I'm sleepy :P
ReplyDeleteObviously, I can sit here and say, "Well, it's his loss, anyway," but I know it bothers you. Sometimes, despite wanting to, which trust me, I have wished this, you can't make someone realize that they're missing out on something real. I don't know.. people change all throughout life and it's unfortunate, but true.
I've had to deal with a small portion of that (losing the close friendship aspect, the whole "friends" going off to college and changing). Clearly I can't relate to the whole "similarity" aspect, but you do have tumblr followers who can fill that void, despite not being physically present within arm's length. I know that might not account for much, but it's more than what other people have.
And might I add, that while I may not be in the gay boat (I'm not quite sure how else to word that, so my bad :P) with you, you could always talk to me about whatever it is you want to talk about. I genuinely don't mind and my imagination isn't that great, if you're worried about scarring me.
Honesty Hour: I really don't understand why you feel like you need to have him in your life or someone in RL that you can relate to on that level. I think it's because I've never looked at friendships like that before where I need to have someone to talk about anime with or the other extraneous things I enjoy. I've rarely, if ever, talked to other girls about guys - it was just something I never understood the appeal of. So when you said that tonight, it was kind of off-putting, just because I can't relate and I twisted it, much like I do on the regular. Just for me, I look at friendships differently, where it's mutual on both parties to want to continue the friendship: if they don't make the effort, then neither do I and yeah, I've lost a lot of friends that way, but I whittled down to the ones that matter and for me, I can't think of needing anymore friendship wise. Maybe you don't feel the same or maybe having that one aspect in common makes a big difference, but you're still a person and I'd hate to think your sexuality would define you.
That's the LAST thing I want to see, which I think might be where he strayed. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous of the connections you can make with people on Tumblr, because I just can't do that. And I'm weird and I think just having you, Ashley, my parents, and sometimes Blayn + his friends + Austin & Sarah is enough for me. I'm like Hikaru from the "Haruhi & Hikaru's first date" about this kind of thing and I won't ever be coherent about this, nor will I ever make sense. But yeah.. it's ALMOST like our RL friendship isn't as important/genuine/what you need because I'm not a carbon copy of what you're going through right now.
tl;dr: sometimes, I worry that I'll be replaced by a friendship that's better suited for you & I worry, because, obviously, I don't have as big of a pool of people as you do to be friends with.
My INCREDIBLY LONG WINDED AND DIVERGING two cents!! And on that note, I'm going to sleep :D